Watching A Very Potter Sequel
by SerpentWinged
Summary: Order of the Phoenix and Dumbledore's Army watch A Very Potter Sequel. Rated T for Language! Read it, or Mama Umbridge will pull out her LOVE Handel! Edit: I HAVE RETURNED WITH FRESH INSPIRATION!
1. It's Not Over Yet!

**I know I started one where they watch A Very Potter Musical, but this one hasn't been done yet, and I just really wanted to see the reactions to Remus's potty mouth! I own not Harry Potter, nor A Very Potter Sequel, just the hairs on my head and a coathanger.**

**A shout out to all who know me as _Draco Malfoy (AVPM) _on Facebook!**

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><p>Albus Dumbledore was sat in his study during the christmas holidays, when all of a sudden a bright light appeared from nowhere. He quickly found himself in a room with the Order of the Phoenix and Dumbledore's army. Everyone looked up at Dumbledore.<p>

"I can assure you all I had nothing to do with this." He held his hands up.

"No, I did." A deep male voice came from behind them.

"We did, Harry." Another male voice came.

"Fine, whatever." The people stepped out of the shadows.

"Hello. My name is Harry Potter!" One of them said cheerfully. Everyone gasped.

"How can that be possible?" Sirius asked, when all of a sudden, a golden light appeared, and a four-year-old Harry Potter appeared from nowhere.

"Bloody hell!" Ron squeaked in surprise, shuffling out of the way as his best mate's younger self.

"See why my fifteen year old self isn't here? That would have been confusing with three Harry's." Older Harry said.

"One's bad enough, to be frank." Said a distinct older version of Ron, carrying a small girl, with red bushy hair in long pigtails. "Ron Weasley, aged 27. My daughter, Rose." Rose blushed shyly and buried her head in her dad's neck. Younger Ron stared in wonder. Older Harry suddenly moved aside, and two little boys were sat behind him, both looking identical to their dad.

"James Sirius and Albus Severus." He said proudly. Sirius, Dumbledore and Snape gasped in surprise. The older one, James, saw young Ginny and grinned.

"Mummy!" He cried happily. Ginny gasped, looking at older Harry for conformation. He nodded a lopsided grin on his face. Ginny burst into a massive smile and embraced the running boy.

Sirius and Remus meanwhile, were watching younger Harry closely. Sirius was first to notice that he had a small bruise on his jawbone.

"Where did you get that bruise, Harry?" He asked quietly. Little Harry looked up at him nervously.

"I fell down the stairs, sir." He whispered. Sirius looked up at older Harry, who was watching them closely. He shook his head. He mimicked punching himself in the mouth. Sirius and Remus's eyes widened.

"Who?" Remus growled.

"Uncle Vernon." He told them. Everyone watched them. Older Ron turned to Older Harry.

"Jesus Harry, you said they treated you badly, but I had no idea that was what that bruise was! Gin and 'Mione are going to kill you when they find out." He said with an amused grin.

Little Harry suddenly looked up at Older Harry.

"Uncle Vernon said not to tell anyone, or he would-" Little Harry started hyperventilating. Sirius had him on his lap in two seconds, rubbing his back gently.

"Shhh, Harry. It's okay... he's not here..." He soothed. Everyone looked at Sirius in awe. Remus moved forwards to help comfort his un-official nephew. He rubbed Harry's leg soothingly.

"Harry, breath slowly. Deep breaths." He said softly. Little Harry slowly calmed down. He looked up at Sirius and Remus worridly. "My name is Remus Lupin, this is Sirius Black. We don't know why you're here, but I am guessing that your...older self will explain?" He turned to older Harry.

"Yes. I am here, because while browsing the internet I came across a rather extrodinary play on a website called Youtube, called a Very Potter Sequel. Of course, this is the second in a series. But I can't show you the first because it reveals to much of my past, and your future. The Sequel, however shows a mix of this year and third year. Yet, I am only 11... strange... Anyway, Hermione, you know how to work a computer?" Harry turned to Hermione, who nodded.

"Of course." She said.

"Then can you please click play?" He pointed to a computer, that had seemed to appear out of nowhere. Hermione nodded, and clicked play.

**Scene opens to a hooded figure standing Spanish style on stage.**

**Lucius- You're late!**

**A second hooded figure comes on stage. He removes his hood.**

**Yaxley- Late? What's it matter? Look at this mornings prophet! The Boy-Who-Lived, does it again!**

"Does what again?" Neville asked curiously. Older Harry just grinned, wondering what the reactions would be.

**The Dark Lord dead for Good!**

"YES!" Many screamed. Dumbledore looked at older Harry.

"Is he truely gone in your time?" Everyone was silent. Harry nodded. "You killed him?"

"Well, Ron and Hermione helped loads!" Harry grinned, ruffling older Ron's hair. Silence for a minute, then the room exploded, getting up and hugging older and younger Ron, Hermione and older Harry. Sirius grinned to himself, but quickly looked down at little Harry.

"Voldemort is a Very Bad man. Everyone is cheering because he's gone in the near future." He explained. Little Harry looked up and smiled slightly. He didn't know why, but he felt reassured by these two men.

After everyone had finished cheering, they all sat back down.

**I knew it! We backed the wrong side... AGAIN!**

A few older members laughed. At the younger one's confused looks, Dumbledore spoke up.

"Many Death Eaters were like that after Harry defeated Voldemort when he was a baby."

"I did what?" Little Harry asked Sirius and Remus.

"We're not sure how you did it, but you made Voldemort disappear when you were a baby boy." Remus explained.

"As apposed to a baby girl?" Fred grinned. Remus blushed.

"You know that's not what I meant, Fred!" He protested.

"He's not Fred, I am!" George argued.

"Sorry, George." Remus said quickly.

"Not really, I am Fred." Fred grinned. Remus huffed, and everybody laughed.

**Lucius- Calm yourself Yaxley!**

"So that's Yaxley!"

**Yaxley- All us Death Eaters are going to Azkaban now!**

"Damn right you are!" Sirius growled. Little Harry flinched. Sirius noticed. "Sorry, kiddo." He rubbed little Harry's back softly.

**NO! NO! NO! **

**(Yaxley starts having a tantrum.)**

"Hey Gred?"

"Yes Forge?"

"Reckon we can make Snape do that?"

"Hell yes!"

"I can hear you, you know."

"Oh hi sir!"

**Lucius- Do you have what I sent you for, or not? (Does random leaps across the stage)**

Everyone laughed.

"Isn't that what Draco did in the first one?" Older Ron managed to choke out. Older Harry just nodded through his laughter.

**Yaxley- Yeah, I got it. I had to break into the ministry for it! (Holds up a small velvet bag)**

"What's that?" Cho asked.

"Time Turner?" Hermione suggested.

"Didn't we destroy all the time turnes at the end of fifth ye-" Older Ron was cut of by Harry smothering his face with a pillow.

"SHUT UP!" He yelled.

"How did you mange to destroy the time-turnes?" Dumbledore asked with an amused grin, his twinkle on full force.

"Spoilers!" Harry cried, as he gave Ron another kick for good measure.

**But I got it.**

**Lucius- (Takes the bag) Exellent. **

**Yaxley- You should see the ministry. The Dark Lord not dead for more than a day and they'v already got the wizard cops out after us!"**

All the muggle borns, and Older Harry burst into laughter.

"What?" Ginny demanded.

"It's a muggle thing!" Hermione choked out.

**Lucius- Damn those wizard cops! Well, none of that matters anymore as long as we have this.**

**Yaxley- Who do you think you are?**

"I'd like to know that myself!"

**We don't stand a chance against the wizard cops! Not even you, Lucius Malfoy! (Malfoy takes his hood down)**

"BRILLIANT!" People yelled, bursting into fits of hysterical laughter. Little Harry buried his face into Sirius's chest, aware that shouting was the first sign of pain. Teenager Ron noticed, and raised his voice.

"GUYS SHUT UP!" When people gave him looks, he cocked his head to the side, indicating Harry. People quickly shushed up, though most wondered why Harry acted like that. Four year olds generally didn't react to loud noises. People looked at older Harry, who felt no need to hide his childhood anymore. He took Albus from off the floor as he spoke.

"Little Harry is reacting that way, because he thinks that shouting is the sign that pain is to come. You see, uncle Vernon is..." He started.

"VERY abusive." Ron finished at Harry's hesitation.

"And I suppose you are going to find out in the next clip, until I recieved my Hogwarts letters, I slept in a cupboard under the stairs." There was silence for a minute, then...

"WHAT!"

"Guys what did I just say about shouting?" Harry said. Dumbledore's Army looked at Older Harry.

"WHY din't you say anything!" George yelled.

"Because I was afraid nobody would want to be my frined anymore." Harry explained.

"Who would? I'm a freak." Little Harry mumbled. To say everyone was shocked was a massive understatement!

"Who told you that you are a freak, Harry?" Remus asked the small child, who had gone suddenly white.

"I shouldn't have said that." He squeaked. He fought back tears. Remus saw his struggle, and pulled him off Sirius's lap and into his own arms.

"You're aloud to cry." He whispered, wrapping his arms tightly around the small boy. Little Harry just shook his head, and Older Ron motioned Hermione to click play.

**Malfoy- DONT ever tell me what I cant do! (Kicks legs)**

People started to laugh.

**Id watch my tongue, if I were you! For all you know, You-know-who could be watching us!**

"I doubt that." Dumbledore said pleasantly. Little Harry smiled slightly at this Grandfather type figure.

**Yaxley- He cant be, he's dead!**

**Lucius- That never stopped out plas before (Kicks legs) You've no IDEA what I have in store! (Kicks legs)**

"He does that alot doesn't he?" Sirius grinned.

"He kinda reminds me of David Bowie." Hermione said. The people who knew who David Bowie was all laughed.

**Do you really think you'd be at my door is we had nothing to disguss? He may be gone but that is just as well.**

"If you-know-'o 'eard 'im say that 'e'd be tortured." Mundungus Fletcher weazed a laugh.

"Don't even joke about torture." Older Harry, older Ron and Neville all scowled.

**Come inside and dont you fret, For it's not over yet!**

"Uh oh."

**(Yaxley and Lucius disappear behind the curtain, and many robed death eaters come on)**

**Death Eaters- EVIL PLANS! We are making EVIL plans! Evil deeds at evil hands (wave hands in the air) We are making evil plans!**

"I really don't like the sound of that." Remus sighed, running a hand through Harry's hair.

**(Lucius and Yaxley come out from behind the curtain)**

**Death Eater #1- LUCius Malfoy, why have you called us here? Wah...**

"Okay that was weird."

**Death Eater #2- What do we do Lucius?**

**Death Eater #3- There's nothing TO do. The Dark Lord is dead, Harry Potter wins, end of story!**

"WOO!"

"Guys!"

"Sorry."

**Lucius- Yes I know, I know. He marrys Ginny, they live happily ever after, there is literally no way to move forward from this point.**

"How does he know you two are married if the Dark Lord has only been dead a day, and you are only 12?" Snape asked older Harry.

"Well, there are also books about me, but that is for another day." Older Harry grinned.

**Yaxley- Then why are we all here?"**

**Lucius- I was JUST getting to that.**

A few muggle-borns laughed.

**HARRY POTTER!**

Little Harry flinched, and Remus drew circles on his back.

**(Death Eaters hiss)**

"That's their reaction to us now!" Ron grinned.

"Yeah, Dolohov never saw it coming!" Harry grinned.

"Serves him right for killing off..." He faltered at Harry's glare "Teddy's Daddy."

"Who's Teddy?" Hermione asked.

"My Godson." Harry smiled, thinking of his multi-coloured godson back at home. Everyone who knew of Sirius and Harry's love for each other grinned.

**We're in this sorry state because of him!**

"THATS WHY IM SO AWESOME!" Harry yelled. Little Harry giggled.

"Ouch! Mate, did you have to scream so bloody loudly! Shit!" Ron hissed, covering his ears.

"Shit!" James repeated. Harry gawked at him. He then glared hard at Ron, who grinned.

"YOU can explain that to Ginny."

"Shit!" Rose clapped.

"And Hermione!" Harry finished. Ron quickly lost his grin. Ginny of the present was fuming.

"RONALD WEASLEY! HOW DARE YOU TEACH MY SON THAT LANGUAGE!" She half-bellowed. Older and Teen Ron both gulped, much to everyone's amusment. Harry giggled, and the adults all smiled. Little Harry seemed to be coming out of his shell now.

"WAIT! Did you just say that IM ROSES MOTHER!" Hermione screamed. Ron nodded.

"FINALLY!"

**And to think of all the chances we had to destroy him!**

"Way to many, mate!" Older Ron yelled.

"Not THAT many!" Older Harry defended.

"Lets see, First Year, Quirrel who had Riddle on the back of his head, Second Year, a bloody great Basilisk, Third year, about 100 dementors trying to Kiss you, forth, Triwizard tournamnet, Riddle being resurrected, fifth year, the Prophesy and fighting Voldemort again, sixth year you had to force fead _someone _a bloody poison for no apparant reason as the bloody thing was a fake, seventh year, we dropped out of Hogwarts, destroyed all the freakin horcruxes, lots of people died, then toy KICKED TOMS ARSE! I DONT THINK THAT IS NOTHING!" Older Ron yelled. He quickly covered his mouth when he realised what he had said.

"Bloody genius." Harry face-palmed. "Just screw up the next two bloody years for everyone."

"You destroyed the Horcruxes?" Dumbledore asked, astonished. Harry just nodded.

"We earned those chocolate frog cards good and proper!" Ron grinned.

"Don't say that in front of Teddy though." Harry shuddered.

"Why?" Sirius asked.

" 'Cos little Teddy goes hyper by just the mention on chocolate!" Ron rubbed his head, remembering the time Teddy had gotten so hyper while Ron was babysitting, that he had somehow ended up on the ceiling.

**If we had destroyed him in his first year at Hogwarts, we would be ruling the world right now! (Death Eaters all cheer)**

**Death Eater #1- Yes Lucius, nobody is arguing that. Wahh!**

**Death Eater #2- Well what does it matter! We can't change the past!**

**Lucius- I know it seems impossible, we've been thrown of our track. But is we cant move forwards, why shouldn't we move back? (Takes time turner from the bag)**

"Hope no genius thinks of that in our time. We'd be screwed!" Older Ron gulped.

**FRIENDS and companions of evil and sin. Think not of loss, but a NEW way to win! For what is present, without a beggining to start it all? **

**Yaxley- Go on!**

**Lucius- There is a boy that everyone knows!**

"ME!"

"We know Harry, Jesus when did you become so loud?"

"Since I became 10 kids, Uncle Harry, and forced into kiddies games!"

"Like tea parties with Victorie and Molly?" Ron grinned. Harry blushed.

"Shut up."

"Molly?" Mrs Weasley looked abashed.

"Percy's eldest." Ron grinned.

"So he came to his-" Fred started.

"Senses then?" George finished. Harry and Ron looked slightly resentful at Fred.

"Not in time though."

**The plan is simple, I propose that we CHOKE the weed before it grows, and ends it all!**

Remus pulled little Harry closer to his chest.

**Do you follow me? (Death Eater #1 raises hand)**

**Death Eater #1- No!**

Everyone burst out laughing.

**Lucius- The Dark Lord, would have surived, had they never met!**

**Death Eater #4- Wait wait wait wait, so you're saying he wouldn't be destroyed?**

"He'd be alive, what don't you get!" McGonnagal snapped.

**Lucius- He'd be alive, what don't you get?**

McGonnagal blinked.

**Death Eater #3- I'm still not understanding.**

**Lucius- With Potter gone, our future will be set!**

**Death Eaters- Ohhhhhhhhh!**

"They're not very bright, are they?" Angelina said.

"I think one of them must be Scaboir." Older Harry said.

"That snatcher?" Remus asked. Harry nodded. Remus's eyes widened but he didn't press the issue.

**Lucius- So it's not over yet! (Goes and stands in the middle of the death eaters)**

**Death Eaters- Evil Plan! What a brilliant evil plan! Malfoy you're an evil man! (Death Eaters run hands over Lucius)**

"What are they doing!" Everyone burst into laughter.

**We are making evil plans!**

**Lucius- So it is decided! We shall use this time-turner to go back in time to Harry Potters first year at Hogwarts!**

Little Harry was extremely confused as to what was going on.

**We'll destroy him before he ever gets a chance to destroy us! My friends! I think we're going back! WHO'S WITH ME?**

**Death Eaters- YEAS!**

**Lucius and Death Eaters- Our history is nothing more than what the losers settle for!**

**Lucius- So look alive, and don't forget, that it's not over, it's not over, no it's. not. over. yet!**

**(Lucius spinning around in circles laughing evily as Death Eaters run around him)**

James and Albus buried their heads into their fathers neck at the scary noises. Rose snuggled closer to Ron. Little Harry shifted slightly.

**Starkid Productions**

**A Very Potter Sequel**

"What is Starkid?" Moody asked Older Harry.

"The people who made this play."

**(Man with a mostache on stage, putting down a platform nine sign)**

**Man- Platform Nine, Platform Ten. Nothing inbetween.**

"Yes ter is! Patform nine an tree corters!" James said, much to everyone's amusment.

**(Spotlight shines on the door, and Harry Potter comes on wearing a blue headband, red and gold striped jumper cand carrying a suitcase)**

**Harry- Can someone tell me how to get to platform nine and three quaters?**

"Oh my God Harry is that meant to be you!" Hermione giggled. Everyone was now laughing at Older Harry, who blushed furiously.

"Unca Hawwy wed!" Rose clapped. Ron grinned at his daughter.

"Yes he is, sweetheart, yes he is."

"Next clip!" Teen Ron ordered.

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><p><strong>The People in the Room from left to right going in a large circle-<strong>

**Dumbledore, Remus (With Harry on his lap), Sirius, Teen Ron, Hermione, Fred, George, Mad-Eye, Bill, Charlie, Molly Weasley, Arthur Weasley, Cho, Colin Creevey, Nigel Creevey, Ernie Macmillan, Justin Finch-Fletchly, Zacharias Smith, Dean Thomas, Ginny, Older Ron (With Rose on his lap), Harry (With James and Albus on his lap) Emmeline Vance, Mundungus, McGonagall, Snape, Neville (He ain't happy about that), Seamus Finnegan, Pavarti, Padma, Michael Corner, Luna Lovegood, Terry Boot, Sturgis Podmore, Dedalus Diggle, Flitwick, Sprout, Hestia Jones, Susan Bones, Hannah Abbott. **


	2. Harry FREAKING Potter!

**Hiya! This isn't EightHorcrux speaking, she's off with her sisters and friends looking for a wedding dress. This is James's friend Nathan! Me and Abi (EightHorcrux) have similar writing styles, and Abi has told me what she wants me to do with the people, so enjoy, and review! **

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><p>Hermione clicked play.<p>

**Harry- Excuse me sir! Can you tell me how to get to platform nine-and-three-quaters?**

"You run through the barrier between platform nine-and-three-quaters, Harry! Duh!" Older Ron rolled his eyes. Older Harry smacked him

"I'm telling Hermione!" Harry said, doing the mature things and sticking out his tongue.

**Man- Platforn nine and three-quaters! There aint no such thing! You're the sevenhundreth kid to ask me that and I still refuse to believe it exists! **

"Imagine that poor muggle!" Hermione and Cho said, shaking their heads.

**Harry- Sir, you gotta help me, I just ran away from my mean aunt and uncle, they kept me under some stairs. **

Sirius, Remus, and the Weasleys all growled.

**Look, you gotta believe me, I got this letter (Takes out letter) From Hogwarts school of witchcraft and- Sir listen, please! A bird gave it to me!**

"I never thought about it like that." Dumbledore said. "It must be rather frightening for a muggleborn to suddenly recieve an owl."

"It was strange." Hermione and Colin said.

**(Harry looks at letter) Yeah right... Hogwarts...**

Remus looked at older Harry.

"How did you actually get on the train?"

"With the help of a gangly, freckled weasley with a long nose and big feet." Older Harry said seriously. Everyone burst into laughter as both Ron's went red.

"OI!" Older Ron yelled, gently putting Rose on Ginny's lap and standing up. Harry deposited Albus and James on Dumbledore's lap, and stood up to. Ron tackled Harry to the floor, and the two had a wrestling match. It lasted for a few minutes, before Harry had Ron pinned to the ground.

"Beetcha!" He cried smugly.

"Arse." Ron muttered, as the pair stood up. Everybody laughed at their antics.

**Mrs W- (Running on) Oh, hurry kids we're gonna miss the train! Come on Weasleys... Bill!**

"Mum, I think that's you!" Ginny giggled. Mrs Weasley blushed.

**Bill- Yo yo ma! (Struts in)**

"Bill, you look bloody hillarious!" Charlie chooked out.

**Mrs W- Charlie!**

"Now who's laughing!" Bill laughed at the look on Charlie's face.

"Charlie barly!" Tonks laughed. She was on the floor laughing at her best friend.

**Charlie- Hi mummy! (Hands in pockets)**

"Hi mummy?" Tonks asked asked with a smirk.

"Oh shut up." Charlie blushed.

**Mrs W- Percy!**

Everyone who knew Percy burst into hysterical laughter.

**Percy- Hello mother! (Pushes up glasses)**

"Git." Dean Thomas muttered, he had been told off Percy by Ron and Harry.

**Mrs- Fred and George!**

"That looks-"

"Nothing like us!"

**Fred- But i'm George! (Standing close together, shoulders bouncing)**

"Even in fiction you two have that joke." Ginny laughed.

**Mrs W- Nice try, you've got an F on your shirt, dumbass.**

"That's even better than, 'Not my daughter, you bitch!' " Harry managed to choke out. Since only he and older Ron were laughing, everyone just assumed it was something that hadn't happened for them yet.

**Mr W- (Enters carrying a camera) Oh boy, real muggles! Everybody say chocolate frogs! (Camera snaps) I think I got it!**

"Oh Arthur." Mrs Weasley sighed.

**Mrs W- Oh Arthur, **

Mrs Weasley blinked.

**stop fiddling with that _muggle _picture maker. (Counts the Weasley children) Where's Ron, with your sister!**

"Probably out stuffing his face." Hermione giggled. Lavender glared, while Ron only looked at her in mock-hurt.

**Ron- (Enters to funny music) Did somebody say Ron!**

"THAT LOOKS NOTHING LIKE ME!" Both Rons screamed. Little Harry giggled from Remus's lap. Teen Ron grinned at the little kid.

"Wanna sit with me?" He asked. Little Harry nodded and went and sat on teenager Ron's lap. Everyone cooed, making Teen Ron's ears go red, and little Harry to bury his face into Ron's chest in embarrasment.

**Mrs W- Ronnie, Hurry you're going to miss your train!**

"Once. That happened once." Teen Ron said, shaking his head. Sirius turned to older Harry.

"I wanna hear about this later." He smirked. Older Harry smirked too.

**Ron- Well i'm _trying _to go faster but i've got this idiot little sister! **

"Thanks, Ron!" Ginny hissed. Both Rons gulped, and little Harry laughed at the boy whoms lap he had vacated. Teen Ron looked at little Harry with mock hurt.

"You wound me, mate!" He cried, then proceded to tickle little Harry's stomach. Little Harry wiggled and laughed, making eveybody coo. Sirius, Remus, Fred and George all looked at older Harry.

"Aww... is Harry ticklish!" Fred mock cooed.

"I think we shall test that theory later." Sirius grinned wickedly.

"There's a room specially for it." Remus grinned to, motioning towards a door labelled _The room of pure embarrasment_. Older Harry gulped.

**Ginny- (Hair all messed up in pigtails and sucking thumb)**

"Looks nothing like me!" Ginny huffed.

"It kinda does, mummy." James said with a grin. Ginny raised an eyebrow, and glared at older Ron.

"This is your fault, I just know it." Older Ron eyes widened in fright, making Harry and James laugh, Rose to giggle, and baby Albus to giggle.

**Mrs W- Ronnie, apologize to your idiot sister!**

"Thanks, mum."

**Ron- No!**

"You're either really brave, or really stupid." Laughed Charlie.

"Stupid." George said seriously.

"Brave!" Argued Harry, remembering the final battle. Older Ron grinned at him. Harry grinned back.

**Mrs W- Oh, you're gonna get it! (Slaps Bill, who slaps Charlie, who slaps Percy, who slaps Fred, who slaps George who slaps Ron, who slaps Ginny)**

**Ginny- Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!**

"I like that method!" Mrs Weasley grinned. She clapped Charlie, who clapped Bill, and it weant all around the circle until it got to Older Ron, who just proceded to clap Ginny.

"Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"

**Mr W- Alright, alright gang it's picture time! This is Ronnie's first day at Hogwarts! So here we go!**

**Mrs W- Oh isnt this, so cute!**

**Weasley Children- (Bill doing a cool look) (Charlie leaning forward, putting on a cheesy grin) (Percy leaning to the side and grinning) (Fred putting the fingers up behind Percy's head) (George grinning at the air) (Ron smiling normally) (Ginny not even lookin)**

"Thats a beautiful picture."

**Mr W- Smile and... (Clicks camera) I got it! Its a good one!**

**Mrs W- Oh Arthur...**

**Harry- (Tugging at Mr Weasley's robes) Excuse me sir...**

**Mr W- Yes my dear boy?**

"Thanks Arthur." Sirius grinned.

**Harry- I couldnt help but over hear you saying something about Hogwarts? Can you tell me how to get to platform nine-and three quaters?**

**Mr W- PLATFORM NINE AND THREE QUATERS? Why it's tstraight through that brick wall! (Point dramatically)**

"You make it sound, so strange." Remus grinned through his laughter.

**Harry- Wha- (Looks at the wall) What?**

"It really was confusing." Older Harry grinned.

**Mrs W- Oh Arthur, he doesn't know! He must of been raised by muggles...**

**Harry- What's a... what's a muggle?**

**Mr W- What's a muggle! Why it's a wizard who doesn't... I mean... It's a wizard who can't... (Turns to Mrs Weasley) He doesn't know what a moogle is.**

"I don't even know what a moogle is." Mr Weasley said while the teens fell on the floor in laughter.

**Mrs W- A muggle is a non-magical person. I'll tell you what, you stick with Ronnie over there, it's his first year at Hogwarts to. Alright Weasleys, in you go!**

**_SMALL SLASH COMING UP_**

"Ron, you look so hot!" Older Harry mock flirted.

"So do you, Harry!" Ron then kissed Harry on the lips. Everyone stared at them with wide-eyes.

They then proceded to burst out laughing.

"YOUR FACES!" Harry screamed between laughter. Sirius lobbed a pillow. It hit Harry straight in the face.

"Ouch!" He yelled, rubbing his forhead. "Ass."

**Mr W- Alright follow me! Come on. here we go! **

**Mrs W- Ginny dear. Ginny dear you come with me. (Tries to take Ginny) Ginny leave the boys alone, Ginny leave the boys alone. You'll go to Hogwarts next year. (Drags Ginny off.)**

"Yeah Ginny, leave the boys alone!" Dumbledore's army said in unison. Ginny blushed scarlet, and the DA laughed.

**Ginny- Wah! Wah!**

"Oh COME. ON!"

**Ron- (Twisting his hand around) Yes. At last. FREEDOM! **

"Bit dramatic, there?"

"Shut up, Bambi."

"Bambi?"

"Since your dad was a stag..."

"I get it, Ron!"

**God I hate my stupid little sister. She is such a... such a...**

"Super awesome kick-ass badgirl." Dumbledore said. Everyone stared at him. "What?"

**Harry- Butterface?**

Ginny growled at Harry. Harry shrunk back, making James giggle. Harry mock-glared at his son.

**Ron- (Looks at Harry) (Puts hand on stomach) Heh heh heh. You know what kid? You're alright! (Puts arm around Harry's shoulder)**

"I aint a kid, Weasley."

** I'm Ron Weasley! Hey, do you want a delicious... (Looks straight at camera) Redvine?**

"OH MY GOD I LOVE REDVINES!" Older Harry screaed like a girl. Everybody now stared at him.

"...Dude...?" Seamus asked, questioning Harry's manhood.

**Harry- Absoloutley!**

**Ron- (Takes out a Redvine) Well, hey! Here you go good buddy!**

**Harry- Redvines are like my favourite snack in the entire world!**

**Ron- Oh my God, me too.**

**(They both stop chewing. They look at each other. They mirror eachothers hands signals. They then make the cowabunga sign with their hands, then take a step back from eachother.)**

"You two are so Goddamn weird!" Neville laughed from underneath Luna.

**Ron- Alright, favourite Amy Mann song on three. One, two, three.**

**Both- Redvines.**

Everyone laughed.

**Harry- Colour of vine, other than green.**

**Both- Redvines.**

Everyone laughed AGAIN.

**Ron- Favourite way to say Red vines in a German accent.**

**Both- Redvines. **

One more time.

**OH MY GOD! (They give each other a man-hug.)**

"AND A BROMANCE WAS FORMED!" Both older Harry and older Ron screamed, launching at each other and hugging.

"Twonks." Sirius and Remus laughed.

"Yes?"

"Not you, Nymphie."

"Impedimenta!"

"Protego! Bloody hell, you're scary!"

**Ron- Where have you been all my life?**

**Harry- Oh, in a cupboard under some stairs.**

"You make it sound funny, Harry." Fred said.

"But really, we have some evil plans for those twats." George finished, adding the last part so Mrs Weasley didnt hear.

**Ron- Thats so cool! (Ron and Harry pick up their suitcases) Well... come on, friend. Lets go to Hogwarts! (Nervous laugh) We just gotta go through that brick wall!**

"Sounds scary." Little Harry shuddered from Ron's lap.

**Harry- Sounds kinda scary.**

"You think like that dude with the stupid hair, Harry!" Cho grinned at the boy.

* * *

><p><em>Somewhere in England-<em>

_"NATHAN! WHY DID YOU MAKE CHO SAY THAT!"_

_"Sorry Abi! Please don't hurt me!"_

* * *

><p><strong>Ron- Hey. It's okay, we can do it together. (Ron offers to hold Harrys hand) Wanna hold hands?<strong>

"NawwwwwwwwwwwwwWWWWW!" Tonks cooed. Little Harry blushed.

**Harry- I'd love that. **

"It's guy love, that's all it is! Guy love, between two guys!" Fred and George sang.

"Curse the day Arthur let the boys watch _Scrubs_." Mrs Weasley thought.

**Ron- (Takes Harrys hand) Alright, on the count of three... **

**Both- One, two, three. AHHHHHHHH!**

**(Run through the barrier)**

**Ron- That was a big brick wall!**

"Ron your hillarious!"

**Percy- All aboard gang, Hogwarts express!**

"He has more lines than us!" Fred, George, Bill, Charlie and Ginny all yelled in unison.

They looked at each other for a moment.

"Then everybody died." Harry said in a very JD voice.

"Who let you watch _Scrubs_!" Mrs Weasley face-palmed.

"I have a TV aswell, you know."

**Ron- Lets go get a seat, pal!**

**Harry- You got it!**

**(People start filing in)**

**Ron- Hey pal, thats a pretty cool headband you got there. **

**Harry- Ah thanks, I wear it to cover this gross scar I got when I was a baby. **

Little Harry's hand shot up to his forehead.

"Don't worry, it's not gross." Ron soothed.

"You make a wonderful mother, Ronnie." Hermione grinned.

Ron blushed scarlet as the entire room burst out laughing.

**I was in the car with my parents when we crashed. Into a crocodile. **

"You didnt crash into a crocoldile." Remus assured with a smile.

**My parents got eaten but the crocodile took out a knife and gave me this scar. **

"That would be a pretty awesome way to get a scar." Kingsley said.

"Getting cut by a Crocodile." Sirius finished with a grin.

**AT least thats what my liar aunt and uncle told me.**

"They told you that James and Lily died in a car crash?" Remus asked, livid.

"Well... yes." Harry said innocently.

**Ron- Well that sucks, can I see it?**

"Subtle." Sniggered Sirius.

"Yeah, I can just imagine you as a spy." Dean snorted.

"The names Weasley. Ron, Weasley." Hermione said.

"Double Agent number Nine-and-three-Quaters." Older Harry joined in.

"Shut up, you two!" Older Ron blushed scarlet while everybody laughed at the mental image.

**Harry- Sure. (Takes off headband and moves his hair out of the way) What?**

"Cool scar, dude!"

**Ron- Oh my God.. your harry... your harry harry...**

**Seamus- Bloo'y 'ell! Its 'Arry Potte'!**

Seamus jumped. That couldnt be him, could it?

**(Everyone jumps up in the air) **

**All apart from Harry- YAY!**

"Bunch of weirdos."

"I resent that!"

"Shut up, Harry."

**Seamus- Seamus Finnigans the name mr Potte'! **

"Seamus, you're a cockney!" Hermione and Dean both burst into hysterical laughter.

**Save me a place in line, this is a right treat. A RIGHT treat this is.**

**Dean- Yo yo yo yo my name is Dean Thomas. You want some bubbleguuuuum?**

"Isn't that racist?" Little Harry asked, very confused.

"I don't mind, Harry." Dean assured the boy with a grin. In all truthfulness, Dean did mind, but he didn't want to press the matter.

**Neville- Will you sign my Harry Potter poster, Mr Potter? (Unrolls poster of a baby with a scar drawn on his head)**

"I have actual baby pictures here!" Sirius said, pulling out a small bundle of photos from his pocket. Older Harry's eyes widened and he quickly made a lunge for the photo's. Sirius laughed and quickly passed them onto Teen Ron, who looked at them and laughed, who passed them onto Hermione, who cooed at both Harry's, then she passed it onto Fred, and it went all around the circle until it reached Snape, who looked at them, and smiled to himself.

He truely saw Lily in this child.

When the photo's were back to Sirius, he pocketed them and grinned at the beet red Harry, who had his face in his hands.

"EVIL GODFATHER!" He yelled. Sirius only smirked.

**Harry- Uh sure, who should I make it out to?**

**Neville- Neville Longbottom, sir!**

**Harry- Okay, Schlongbottom! (Everyobe minus Neville laughs)**

"That's mean." Neville pouted.

"Sorry Professor." Harry said. He hoped to God Neville caught on.

"I become a professor?"

Harry only smiled mysteriously.

**Cho- Ni eh ho, Harry Potter my name is Ch Chang you should stop by the Ravenclaw house, sometime yal! (Puts hand on Harrys face)**

"That's meant to be ME!" Cho screamed. The entire DA laughed at the asian, who blushed furiously.

"In the muggle world, I think you are portrayed as a 'Player', if you will. Therefore you have been played by a very sexy actress." Teen Ron said.

"Ron."

"Yes."

"That was actually SMART!"

"Daddy red!"

"Yes he is, Rose!"

**Harry- (Trys to catch Cho's hand in his mouth)**

"Dirty bastard." Older Ron grinned.

"Says you!"

**Cho- (Walks away, staring at her hand, followed by everyone apart from Ron)**

**Harry- Ron, whats going on? Everyones treating me like i'm famous or something!**

"So innocent!" Katie Bell grinned.

"That died after sixth year!" Older Harry winked at Ginny, who blushed.

"WHAT!" The Weasley boys screamed.

"It's okay guys, we only kissed!" Older Harry defended quickly. Charlie turned to Sirius.

"Hey Sirius?"

"Yeah mate?"

"Can we join you when you tickle Harry to death?"

"Course."

"Cheers."

**Ron- But Harry, you are !**

**RON:**

**You're Harry Freakin' Potter!**

"So thats another title for me! We should make a list!" Older harry and Ron both wrote all of the names that he had been called.

**You don't understand  
>you're a legend, man,<br>to us all!**

**Every son and daughter-**

**RON & THE KIDS: [spoken] "SAFE!"**

**RON:**

**... From You-Know-Who,  
>all because of you!<br>You were small,  
>but I wonder if you can recall...<strong>

**[CHORUS: Oooo...]**

**RON:**

**Long story short,  
>this guy,<br>[whispered] "Voldemort"  
>was super cruel...<strong>

**HARRY:**

**[spoken] "Voldemort?"**

**THE KIDS:**

**[GASP!] "SHHH!"**

"Chill, guys its a name." Older Harry rolled his eyes when most of the DA flinched. ****

**CHORUS: Oooo...]**

**RON:  
>... Tried to kill you &amp; your parents,<br>and this is where it gets intensely cool...**

"I wouldnt say cool." Sirius scowled at the screen. ****

**Even though you were a tiny little boy,  
>you shoulda died but you survived and then destroyed<br>this evil guy and it's story we enjoy to tell...**

"How did it happen?" Remus asked Dumbledore.

"SPOILERS!" Older Harry screamed, making Remus and Older Ron jump in fright.

"Add me to that list, Sirius." Ron growled. Sirius quickly made a list of everybody who was gonna tickle Harry. ****

**RON & THE KIDS:**

**You're Harry Freakin' Potter!  
>We don't prefer Gandalf,<strong>

"Who?"

**Merlin, or Oz,  
>You're a whole lot hotter!<strong>

"Hell yes!"

"HARRY!"

**With that lighting scar,  
>you're a superstar to us all!<br>If we're in trouble we know who to call!**

**[DANCE BREAK]**

"We're awesome!" Everbody in the DA yelled.

**RITA SKEETER:**

**You're Harry Freakin' Potter!  
>I wouldn't wince at all,<br>you're invincible to all harm!**

**Like betty crocker-**

"Betty Crocker?"

"Muggle chef."

"Ah."****

**RITA SKEETER & THE KIDS:**

**[Oooh!]**

**RITA:**

**... I wanna eat you up!  
>No one'll beat you up<br>with that charm!  
>Remember, Harry, kid,<br>you're the Boss,  
>you're the King,<br>you're the Bomb!**

"Add, Boss, King and Bomb to that list." Older Ron said. Harry oblied. **  
><strong>

**Harry- This is to much to take! It's all so unreal!**

**Ron- No its not! You're Harry Potter! You're the coolest Goddamn kid in the entire world! Everythings awesome for you, so you'd better get used to it.**

**HARRY:**

**But this is all so sad,  
>I mean, my Mom and Dad<br>were killed, long ago...**

Sirius, Remus and Severus blinked back tears.****

**THE KIDS:**

**[Long ago they died!]**

**HARRY:**

**... I wanna be psyched,  
>but being unliked<br>is all I know...**

"Not anymore, Harry." Sirius and Remus assured the little boy on Ron's lap.****

**CHORUS:**

**[... All he knows, that's why-]**

**HARRY:**

**I never thought I'd be a part of such a fate,  
>an opportunity eleven years late...<br>I guess it's time for me step up to the plate  
>and show 'em that I'm something great!<strong>

"IM AWESOME!"

"Shut UP HARRY!"

"Add me to that list, Sirius."

"Sure thing, Ginny."

I'm Harry Freakin' Potter!  
>I'll do what I can<br>if what you say I am is true

**I can't be bothered  
>by my awful past,<br>I've found at last  
>something I can do,<br>so it's time I knew  
>exactly who I am...<strong>

**I'm Harry Freakin' Potter!**

**THE KIDS:**

**You're Harry Freakin' Potter!**

**HARRY & THE KIDS**

**I'm/You're Harry Freakin' Potter-**

**HARRY:**

**... And I'm the Man!**

**THE KIDS:**

**[Ahhhhhh]**

**HARRY & THE KIDS:**

**[spoken] "HARRY FREAKIN' POTTER!"**

"That was... interesting." Mad-eye said slowly.

"Next clip!" The boy ordered.

"Whatever." Hermione rolled her eyes as she clicked PLAY.

* * *

><p><strong>Abi is an idiot. WHY DIDNT SHE JUST COPY AND PASTE THE LYRICS FOR ITS NOT OVER YET? I'll tell you why, COS SHES AN IDIOT!<strong>

**Dont tell her I said that.**


	3. Candy from the Trolley?

**Hello, Eight Horcrux is BACK! Nathan completely fudged up the last chapter, and I beat him with a spoon, so it's all good. I'm also working by the charecter images from the movies, to. For example, Remus is David Thewlis, Ron is Rupert Grint ect, ect. Anyway, here is the chapter, to have a home!**

* * *

><p><strong>(Man asleep on the bench, covered in newspaper)<strong>

"I bet that's you, Remus." Sirius grinned.

**(Harry pretends to open a door, and sits on the bench opposite Remus)**

**(Ron slides onto the stage. He sets his suitcase down. He pretends to open a vault door)**

"Ron, what the hell are you doing?" Seamus asked.

**(Ron pretends to put his thumb on a thumbscan)**

"You spend to much time with Harry."

"HEY!"

**(Eye scan)**

"Twallop."

**(Key-pad)**

"Dumbass."

**(Blinds)**

"Inarticulate bubble."

**(Large wall)**

"Butt Trumpet."

**(Locks)**

"SHUT UP GINNY!"

**(Picks up suitcase and enters the compartment)**

**Ron- Hey whats up, good buddy!**

**Harry- Hey Ron!**

**Ron- Who's this guy? (Ron indicates to Remus)**

**Harry- I don't know, he was here when I got here, he's asleep and I think he's homeless.**

"Harry!" Remus fake-scolded. "Add me to that list Sirius."

**Ron- Gross. **

"IS THIS PICK ON REMUS DAY OR SOMETHING?" Remus yelled, waving his hands in the air.

**Hey, uh, we kinda got separated at the train station and you forgot this. (Holds out headband)**

Fred and George proceded to sing 'Guy love' again.

**Harry- Man, everybody in the wizarding world loves my scar, why don't you keep it? **

**Ron- Really? (Puts headband on)**

**Harry- Looks good, man!**

**Ron- Thanks! (Dreamy look) Now I gotta give you something! (Rummages in his suitcase) Do you want a rat?**

Sirius and Remus growled at the mention of the rat. Harry, who had been passed onto Hermione, shivered. Hermione pulled him closer.

**Harry- (Jumps back) AHHHH!**

**Ron- AHHH!**

**Harry- AHHH!**

"AHHHH!" Older Harry joined in, making the younger kids giggle.

"Add me to that list, Black." Suprisingly Snape said. Harry gulped, as everyone shot Snape a confused, and slightly humored look.

"I do not envy you right now, mate." Sirius grinned.

**Ron- Its my rat.**

**Harry- Oh YOUR rat! (Pets rat) Awwwwe! **

"KILL HIM!"

"HARRY SHUT UP!"

**Ron- His names Scabbers, and he's been in my family for like, a hundred years. In fact, I think my parents found him the night your parents died!**

Sirius hissed, as little Harry snuggled closer into Hermione.

**Harry- Weird!**

**Ron- I know, weird! Hey, do you want a Bertie Botts every flavour Candy Bean?**

"I'm never having one of them, again." Lee hissed.

"Wha-"

"Lee got a... rather nasty... flavoured one that reminded him of that time he got drunk, and hooked up with Cormac McClaggen." Fred grinned.

"EWWWWW!"

"Add me to that stupid list."

"Okay Lee."

**Harry- Sure! (Takes a bean) **

**Ron- They have every flavour in the entire world! They even have a poopie flavoured one, but it's so rare, you'll never be lucky enough to get it. What'd you get?**

"A shite flavoured one? Nasty."

**Harry- Broken Computer. (Makes face)**

"What does that even taste like?"

**Ron- Thats Gross, cant even remember the last time I got a Candy flavoured one. (Takes a bean)**

**Harry- What'd you get?**

**Ron- Defeat.**

Everyone burst into hysterical laughter.

"Ron you are so DAMN FUNNY!" Ginny screamed, clutching her ribs.

**Well I give up on these! Hey, why dont we wash these down with the best snacks in the entire world?**

**Both- REDVINES! (Both look at camera)**

"REDVINES! SQUEEEE!"

"Harry I will stun your arse..."

"Sorry Hermione."

**Ron- Hold on, I gottem right here un my bag... (Pulls out Crookshanks) **

**Both- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!**

"It's only Crookshanks! God, boys!" Hermione rolled her eyes, though she was giggling with everyone else.

**Hermione- (Runs on) Crookshanks! Oh! Bad kitty!**

"HEY!"

Everyone burst into more mad laughter, rolling around on the floor, clutching their sides.

"That looks NOTHING like me!"

"Sure it doesn't!"

Hermione just huffed.

**Sorry! Sometimes he just crawls into the darndest places!**

"Hermione you sound like a dude."

"Hey Fred?"

"Yeah?"

"If you weren't holding Harry..."

"I'm scared."

"Good."

**Ron- Thats okay just next time... (See's Hermione) OH MY GOD night troll. **

"Bitch."

Everyone jumped at Hermione swearing.

**Hermione- I'm not a night troll! I'm a little girl! I'm Hermione Granger. **

"Nice to meet you." George said in all seriousness. Little Harry giggled.

**Ron- Ergh!**

(Insert Hermione punching Ron here)

**Hermione- (Looks at Harry) Jimmeny Crickets, you're Harry Potter! **

Sirius chocked into his goblet.

"What was that?"

"It's not me!"

**Harry- Oh! Yeah! Oh yeah, weird right!**

"Weirdo." Ron shook his head.

**Hermione- Oh im such a big fan! Say, will you sign my petition? (Grabs clipboard)**

**Ron- No! No! He doesn't want to! (Knocks clipboard out of Hermione's hands) **

"Ronald Weasley." Hermione glared, looking very much like a rabid tiger.

"Hey Ron, she looks like she did when you told her she was old last month." Older Harry informed him loudly. The men winced.

"How did you LIVE?" Sirius's eyes widened in horror.

"I used my daughter as a human sheild." Ron told them, blowing a rapsberrie into Rose's neck, making her shriek with laughter.

**Hermione- Ahh! (Picks up clipbard again) You see, i'm collecting signitures for house-elf sufferages.**

"Even in the play you're obsessed with House-elfs. I swear, we'll find you making out with Dobby before long." Teen Ron said with a smirk.

"oooooOOOOO!" The men all said loudly.

**I just think it's awful that some creatures in the wizarding world aren't treated equaly because they were born as ugly, sickly little creatures with big dumb noses! And I think we... (Turns to look at the boys) I mean the elves... **

"Dramatic, much?"

"Shut up Sirius."

**Are as good as anybody! Not to mention the world just isn't meant for those little guys! (Goes up close to Harry) Did you know that 600 house elfs die in toilet related incidents every year? **

Kingsley, who was taking a big gulp of tea, preformed a wonderous spit-take.

**Harry- Um, stop talking?**

"Grrrr."

"AHH!"

**I'll sign it, just don't send me any e-mails.**

"What are e-mails?" Mad-eye asked curiously.

"Muggle things." Hermione answered dully.

**Hermione- Oh no, i won't. Thanks, Harry.**

**Harry- Hey are we the only people you've asked? Theirs only one other name on here. **

**Hermione- That is my name. (Swings arms)**

**Harry- Well then here you go, Herm-Ih-won! **

"OI!"

"Go moan at that Harry, dude."

**Hermione- So Harry Potter, is it true that you grew up in the muggle world? (Sits down next to Harry)**

"No, you're growing up in the magical world." Remus told little Harry firmly.

**Harry- Yeah, I found out that I was a muggle like, two minutes ago.**

"No you didn't, Harry." Luna said dreamily, as if correcting a five-year old.

**Hermione- Yeah, I grew up in the muggle world too. My parents are muggles. Muggle dentists. **

**Candy lady- Candy from the trolley!**

Everybody laughed.

**Hermione- And i'm ever so excited to finally go to Hogwarts!**

"I couldn't tell." Remus grinned.

**Ron- Yeah, it's cos Hogwarts is the best place in entire world!**

"It sure as hell is!" Padma Patil grinned.

**Hermione- Yeah, and to be taught by so many great wizards like Albus Dumbledore!**

"Thank you, Miss Granger." Dumbledore grinned at the blushing witch. Everybody else was just laughing their heads off.

**Harry- Who the hell is Albus Dumbledore?**

"Mr Black?"

"Yeah, Headmaster?"

"Please add me onto that list."

Harry gulped. Ron laughed. James pointed out Harry's red face.

**Ron- He's only the best, most bravest...**

**Hermione- Wisest, talented...**

**Ron- Beautiful!**

"I knew you didn't love me, Ron!" Lee fake-sobbed into his hands.

"Oh Shut up, Lee."

**Hermione- Beautiul wizard who ever lived!**

**Candy lady- Candy from the trolley!**

**Hermione- And my dream of dreams is to somedy graduate top of my class!**

"Naw." George grinned.

"Oh do shut your face."

**Candy lady- Candy from the trolleyyyyyyyyyyy! (Death eater grabs her from behind)**

"Uh-oh."

**Death Eater- (In candy lady hat and apron) Candy from the trolley?**

Everybody burst out laughing at that voice.

**Ron- Yes! At last!**

**Hermione- My parents say that candy is bad for your teeth!**

**Death Eater- Avada-**

"NO!"

**Remus- (Throws off newpaper) Expelliarmus! (Pointing a bottle of beer) (Hesitates before lunging at the death eater) **

"Remus!" Sirius and Older Harry both burst into hysterical laughter.

"You don't know it's me!" Remus shot back with a blush.

**Hermione- (Screams)**

**Remus- Take that you bastard, ass!**

The Teens and little Harry all covered their ears with a gasp. The adults looked at them for a minute, before bursting out into laughter.

"What?" Colin Creevey asked.

"Nothing." Sirius lied, whiping away a tear.

**(Looks at broken wand) Oh Goddamit. **

"Well done Remus." Sirius teased, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

**Well at least I still have... (Looks at empty bottle) Oh, what! Where'd it go! (looks to see soiled pants) Oh. Shit! **

"STOP SWEARING!"

**(Smiles at the trio) Wait... (Sniffs) What... (Sniffs) No that's piss. **

"REMUS YOU DIRTY BASTARD!"

"Sirius!" Remus cried, blushing a deep shade of red.

**WAIT WAS I DRINKING PISS!**

"Eww!" Little Harry wrinkled his nose in disgust. Remus blushed.

**(See's Harry) You must be Harry Potter! **

"Well that was a classic. Go on about piss, then shake hands with Harry Potter. Freaking genius."

**Harry- (Trys to pull hand back) No, wait! No, what, what! You just killed the candy lady!**

"Don't be scared of me, Harry." Remus said to older Harry, who was being brutally attacked by Albus's feet.

**All- (Screams and crys)**

**Remus- No! Kids! Wait, no, stop it! (Sticks bottle in Hermione's mouth) **

"Remus, you do that to me and I swear to GOD I will curse you into the next life." Hermione growled. Remus gulped and backed away, much to Sirius' delight.

**Don't be afraid of me, i'm not dangerous and i'm not homeless. Anymore. **

"So you're a hobo?" Luna asked dreamily. Fred and George, who had each taken a sip of hot chocolate, snorted and choked. Remus blushed.

**My name is Remus Lupin**

"WOO!"

**and i'm your new defence against the dark arts teacher. And that so called candy lady was a death eater, and she was about to kill you, your little friend and his pet night troll.**

"OI!"

**Harry- What's a death eater? What is that?**

"So innocent!"

"Shut UP!"

**Remus- It's a servant of you-know-who. I figured a few of the mmight show up when they heard that Harry Potter was coming to Hogwarts. Yeah, they can be real Hard-Ass dickheads.**

"REMUS JOHN LUPIN, MIND YOUR LANGUAGE!" Remus gulped and expected to see a red faced Molly Weasley glaring at him, but instead saw a red-faced Harry Potter, clutching his sides and rolling around on the floor laughing.

"That's mean, Harry." He pouted.

"That's life, Remus." Older Ron grinned.

"Yeah Remus." Sirius mimicked.

"Yeah Remus, God!" Everyone turned around to see Dumbledore looking innocently at the ceiling.

**(Kids all gasp and cover their ears)**

The adults all burst into murthless laughter.

**Remus- Whats the matter with you guys. Oh SHIT!**

"DUDE!"

**(Kids cover their ears again)**

**Remus- You guys are kids! I gotta watch my damn mouth around you little bastards.**

"Mind not calling us bastards?" All the teens glared at Remus, who tried to hide behind Sirius.

**(Kids cover ears again and gasp)**

**Remus- Im sorry. I mean shoot. I gotta watch my damn mouth around you little bastards. **

"DUDE WHAT THE HELL!"

**(Train lurches to a stop, Remus falls onto the floor)**

**Ron- Looks like the trains stopped! We're here!**

**Remus- Good job, son. ((Is that what he says?)) **

"Sarcasm. Kids these days." Older Ron tutted.

**Harry, come here. **

**(Pulls Harry over to him)**

**Remus- Listen Harry, this year I dont want you to be worried about dementors, or that Sirius Black,**

"I'm NOT dangerous!" Sirius screamed, waving his arms around, and accidently hitting Older Harry in the face.

"Gee, thanks a bunch." Harry said, rubbing his chin.

** or werewolves, or anything else that could kill you. Right. Now. **

Remus, Sirius, the two Rons, Hermione and Older Harry all growled.

**Because as long as you're here at Hogwarts with me, and headmaster Dumbledore to protect you, you're safe. Trust me Harry, nobody at Hogwarts hates you.**

**Snape- WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON HERE!**

"Shit," Snape mumbled as everyone burst out laughing.

"Severus! You look...so...bloody...funny!" Flitwick squeked.

"Shut up, Filius." Snape said, turning red.

"Just click the next one, Mione." Older Harry gasped.


	4. To Have a Home

**Snape- Kids you shouldnt be on here, get off the train. (Spots Remus) Why Remus, Lupin.**

"Hi Sevvie!" Remus waved across the room. Severus groaned.

**Remus- Severus Snape.**

**Ron- (Stage whispers to Harry) That's Snape, he's evil!**

"Thanks Mr Weasley." Snape said sarcastically.

**Snape- Get off the train! (Looks at Harry) Not you boy! You sit! So you must be Harry Potter... I can tell just by not talking to you that you're an arrogant good-for nothing nobody like your father.**

"MY FATHER WAS A GREAT MAN!" Older Harry yelled at Snape.

"Your father, was a swine!" Snape shot back. Sirius and Remus both stood up, but Harry pulled them back down. They looked at him strangely.

"We'll speak in the break." He said simply.

**Remus- You know what, just leave the poor kid alone, okay? God you haven't changed at all since our school days at Hogwarts. Hey Harry? Don't pay any attention. TO SOUR GRAPE SNAPE!**

"Cool! Can we use that, professor?" Dennis Creevey asked Snape. Snape scowled.

"Yes, Mr Creevey, you can call me that." He said sarcastically.

"WE ALL WITNISSED THAT! NO GIVSIES BACKSIES!"Lee, Fred and George yelled. Sirius snorted at Snape's pale face.

"That back fired." He said with a grin.

**Snape- How dare you speak that name!**

**Remus- I've said it before Snape, and i'll say it again. You always have been, and you always WILL be. A butt-trumpet! **

Remus and Snape both coughed. Meanwhile, the DA were all rolling around on the floor, clutchin their sided in mirth.

**You know why? becaue YOU'VE got a trumpetting BUTT! **

**(Remus does butt-trumpet action)**

**Snape- No! Stop it!**

**Remus- Hey look, i'm Snape!**

**Snape- No he's not! That doesn't sound anything like my butt!**

Too many people were red with laughter to comment.

**Remus- Who looks stupid now? You do.**

The room burst into maniacal applause.

**Snape- We're both adults here, so I demand you stop acting like a child, or i'll tell Dumbledore and have you expelled.**

"What if he spanks you, Sour Grape?" Bill dared. Everybody looked at him in shock, before dissolving into hysterics.

**Remus- You cant expel me Snape, im a teacher now, know what? YOU'RE EXPELLED, I JUST EXPELLED YOU!**

**Snape- What! That's absurd! **

"You're funny." Luna stated, looking at Snape dreamily.

"Okay." Snape said, backing away slowly.

**You cant expel me, we cant expell each other! Can we?**

"No, Snape-a-doodle."

"Albus!"

"Sorry, I forgot you didn't like me calling you that outside the bedroom."

"ALBUS!"

**Remus- (Folds arms) A wont pretend to know.**

**Snape- Right. Then I will. Snape, Vanish! (Runs off stage)**

"I think that was meant to be you disapparating."

**Harry- Wow, what a jerk!**

"Understatement of the century." Sirius muttered.

**Remus- Yeah. But Harry dont let him bother you okay? You're finally where you belong. At Hogwarts! The place where your parents spent the best years of their lives! So go out there, and find you you've got to be.**

"AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

**Harry- See you Lupin!**

**Remus- See you in class, Harry. (Exits, avoiding walking into the curtain)**

"Only you would ever avoid walking into a curtain in such a way." Remus blushed.

**Harry- "Home." I've heard the word before**

"Oh Harry." Sirius pulled Harry close to him.

**but it never meant much more than just a thing I've never had.**

Remus got up and pulled older harry to sit with him.

**A "place," They say, "Hey, know your place!"**  
><strong>But I've never had a place to even know,<strong>  
><strong>or a face that I could go to<strong>  
><strong>if I needed someone there...<strong>

**I'm laughing, it's hard to hide a smile**  
><strong>My god, it's been a while<strong>  
><strong>since I have had a reason to.<strong>

**To think, it's been here all along**  
><strong>somewhere to belong,<strong>  
><strong>and a reason,<strong>  
><strong>a something-to-believe-in<strong>

**I've finally found it, a place where I'm wanted...**  
><strong>This must be how it feels to have a home<strong>

**I used to dream about it, but never schemed or counted**  
><strong>on fantasies or wishes-<strong>  
><strong>it breaks a man to see what he misses<strong>

**So many nights I'd pray**  
><strong>for a better life, a better day<strong>  
><strong>but I never thought that it'd come true<strong>  
><strong>now that it's here, I don't know what to do<strong>  
><strong>and I'm trying not to cry<strong>

**This must be how it feels**  
><strong>to have a home<strong>

**I've finally made it**  
><strong>I've hoped and I've waited<strong>  
><strong>and for the first time in my life, I don't feel so alone<strong>

**My heart starts to heal**  
><strong>to know that it's real.<strong>  
><strong>This is how it must feel<strong>

**(Snape comes out with the sorting hat)**

**Hat- GRYFFINDOR! GRYFFINDOR! GRYFFINDOR!**

**to have a home!**

The adults all felt like they'd been punched in the gut.


	5. Nobody Underminds Draco Malfoy!

Hermione clicked the next clip before anybody could start feeling to guilty.

**(Snape strangles Harry with his tie)**

"Hey, he's not suppose to die for another six years!" Older Ron yelled.

"WHAT!" Everybody exclusing Dumbledore and Snape screamed. Suddenly, there was a loud POP!

"Ginny!" Harry ran to help his wife up.

"Hiya Harry, where we up to?" Ginny asked, standing up.

"Just about to do the scarf," Harry explained with a smirk.

"Bloody hell!" Ginny said, rubbing her stomach.

"You alright?" Harry asked, concerned. Ginny nodded.

"Just a stomach ache." Well, she wasn't about to tell Harry she was pregnant, was she?

"Hiya guys," She said to the room. James spotted her.

"MUMMY!" He stood up on two sock-clad feet and waddled over to Ginny.

"Hey baby!" She grinned and picked James up into her arms.

"So, you're me from the future?" Teen Ginny said.

"Yep." Older Ginny replied with a grin.

"Cool." Teen Ginny smiled. Older Ginny spotted little Harry on Sirius's lap.

"Harry! You were so cute as a little kid! What the hell happened?" She turned to older Harry.

"I married you." He replied, bringing his lips down onto hers.

"YAY! HARRY GETS A GIRL!" Sirius cheered. Older Harry blushed.

**Snape- Wait Potter! Your sorting isn't done yet. The Scarf of Sexual Preference!**

"We so need one of them!" Charlie yelled.

"I'll see what I can do." Dumbledore smiled. Charlie blushed.

**Scarf- Metrosexual!**

"Well crap."

**Harry- So does this school provide shoes to go with fabulous this tie or what?**

**Snape- (Holding out a pair of shoes) It sure does.**

**Harry- (Takes the shoes) Hmm. I'll make it work.**

"Bit snotty there, mate?" Sirius raised an eyebrow.

**(Goes over to Ron and Hermione) Hey, so what did you guys get sorted into?**

**Ron- Bicurious.**

"Oh. Dear Lord." Teen Ron said, eyes wide.

"Yeah! Who gave Starkid Ron's diary!" Fred yelled.

**Hermione- Waiting till marrige.**

"She wasn't bloody kidding!" Older Harry yelled. He turned to Ron. "Have you never even _heard _of a silencing charm!"

"Fuck off." Older Ron smacked Harry.

"RONALD BILLIUS WEASLEY!" Older Ginny yelled. "YOU WILL WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE AROUND MY CHILDREN!"

"Yes ma'am." Older Ron whimpered, much to Rose's amusement.

**Harry- No, I mean what house did you get sorted into.**

**Ron- Oh, Gryffindor! (Points to tie)**

**Hermione- Gryffindor!**

**Harry- Cool, me too!**

"Well you weren't just going to be in Slytherin were you?" Neville rolled his eyes.

"Ahem."

**(Seamus, Dean and Neville come out from behind the curtain)**

**Seamus- Bloody ass! Dean get a load of this, we're in the same house as Harry Potter! **

"Now why couldn't we have reacted like that for real?" Dean grinned.

**(Seamus lays in front of Harry)**

**Seamus- Why don't you put your feet right up here Mr Potter, right up here. **

"Oh my God Seamus."

**(Harry puts feet on Seamus's back)**

**Neville- Can I shine your shoes for you, Mr Potter?**

"Oh really!"

**Harry- Go for it man!**

**(Neville spits on Harry's shoe and rubs it)**

**Dean- Yo man, i've got this mean backrub. (Starts to rub Harry's back)**

A few people sniggered at Dean.

**Ron- Woo woo woo woo! Services not necissary, get out off here! (Pushes Neville back) (Looks around before spittin on Harry, rubbing his back and caressing his head)**

"I appriciate that, Ron." Older Harry said sarcastically.

"Why did you spit on his head?" Little Harry asked curiously.

"Because he's a dumbass." Older Ginny grinned.

"Dumbass?" Little Harry asked. Sirius covered his own mouth with his hand to stop himself laughing.

"That's a bad word, Harry. We mustn't say bad words." Remus said, trying to hold back a grin. Little Harry nodded, leaning back into Sirius's chest.

**Harry- Gryffindor totally rocks! I cant even imagine what other stupid assholes exist in other stupid houses.**

"We love you too, Harry." Terry Boot scowled. Older Harry only laughed nervously.

**Hat- SLYTHERIN!**

**(Draco walks in)**

**Draco- Well well well.**

"HOLY HELL!" Everybody who knew Draco Malfoy was soon rolling around on the floor in stitches.

"IS THAT!" George yelled.

"IT IS!" Ron yelled.

"I take it you lot don't like Draco anymore than in third year?" Remus said, raising an eyebrow.

"What do you think?" Cho choked out, clutching her sides.

**Isn't this cute! The rumours are true. You must be Harry Potter, the famous bastard.**

There was a sudden beeping noise.

"What is that mysterious ticking noise?" Snape asked.

"Just my watch, Sour Grape." Colin said, covering up a smirk.

**My name, is Draco Malfoy. I am a racist, (Dean stands up, but Seamus pulls him down) **

Dean scowled.

**I despise gingers, **

"BITCH."

**and mudbloods, **

"TWAT"

**I hate Grfffindor house,**

"BOO!"

**and my parents work for the man who killed your parents. Do you want to be my friend. (Holds out hand)**

"That's pretty much what he said to me in first year." Older Harry grinned.

**Harry- Hate Gryffindor house! Get out off my face, Malfoy! (Pushes Malfoy over)**

"That wasn't very nice." Luna stated. Sirius pulled little Harry closer, tickling his ribs a little bit. Harry giggled.

**Gryffindors- Gasp!**

**Hermione- Harry, no!**

**Draco- (Stands and twirls) You are not permitted to touch!**

"What the fu-"

"BLACK!"

"-dge!"

Everybody was to busy laughing to comprehend.

**Crabbe! Goyle!**

**Goyle- WHO DARES DISTURB MY SLUMBER!**

"I so prefere this Goyle to real life Goyle!" Hermione screamed through her laughter.

Little Harry yawned.

"When are we going to bed?" Sirius asked.

"When this part is over." Older Harry said.

**Get over here! (Pulls Ron towards him)**

**Crabbe- (Pulls Hermione) You too!**

**Goyle- It's clobbering time! **

**Draco- As you wish! Shake them! **

**(Crabbe and Goyle start shaking Ron and Hermione)**

"What. The. Hell?"

**How does it feel to watch your friends being tortured?**

"Horrible," Harry whispered. "I wanted to die."

"WHAT!" Remus, being a werewolf with super awesome hearing, heard him. "Who was tortured and WHEN!"

"Hermione," Ron said quietly, coveing his face with his hands. "Seventh year by Bellatrix Lestrange."

"Tell me what happened." Hermione said urgently.

"We were on the hunt for horcruxes. Voldemort had made his name a tabboo, so nobody could say it without finding death eaters on their doorstep, no matter what enchantments have been put into place. I accidently said it, and snatchers turned up outside our tent." Harry said.

"They took us to Malfoy Manor, where Bellatrix tortured Hermione for information. She carved _mudblood _into her arm, and used the cruciatus curse many times. Dobby died getting us out of there." Ron said.

Harry suddenly remembered the elfs dieing words.

_"Dobby is happy to be with his friend, Harry Potter." _

"Dobby..." Harry whispered. It all became to much for him quickly. He stood up and left the room in one fluid motion. Older Ron made no move to go after him. Instead he looked pointedly at Sirius and Remus. Ginny looked at them too.

"Harry needs his father figures right now." She said. Sirius and Remus exchanged shocked looks, before standing and following Harry. They found him eagle spread on his and Ginny's bed, crying into his pillow.

Sirius and Remus rushed forwards and helped him sit up. Harry wrapped his arms around Sirius's neck and sobbed.

"So many people _died _because of the bloody war!" He sobbed. Sirius rubbed Harry's back soothingly.

"Tell us Harry, who died?" He said soothingly.

"You, Remus, Colin, Fred, Hedwig, Dumbledore, Tonks... TO MANY! TO BLOODY MANY!" Harry screamed in anger. Sirius and Remus exchanged looks of shock.

"It's okay, Harry. Let it all out." Remus whispered as Sirius pulled the man onto his lap, squeezing him tight.

"It's not fair...none if it was fair..." Harry whimpered.

"War isn't fair Harry," Sirius said. "But we have to keep buggering on."

"Since when did you quote Winston Churchill?" Remus asked.

"Who?" Sirius asked.

"Never mind." Remus shook his head. Harry held back a laugh. Remus noticed and grinned. "Smile!" He commanded with a smirk.

"Shut up." Harry grumbled, hiding his smile. Remus poked him in the ribs, making him yelp and jerk away.

"Smile, Harry!" Sirius joined in, wiggling his fingers across Harry's sides.

"No!" Harry protested in a high-pitched voice.

"Come on..." Remus prompted smugly. He dug his fingers into the muscular skin of Harry's stomach.

"Cut it out!" Harry groaned, allowing himself a smile. Sirius and Remus grinned smugly.

"You _are _ticklish aren't you?" Remus smirked.

"Sod off." Harry mumbled. He got up from Sirius's lap and wiped his eyes on the back of his sleeve.

"Come on then munchkin," Sirius said. "Let's go back inside."

"Don't call me munckin, Sirius." Harry groaned.

"Why? Even as an adult you're a scrawny little midget." Sirius grinned. Harry only sighed, and went back into the viewing room, where he immediatley engulfed by older Ron and older Ginny.

"You alright?" Ginny whispered, placing her hand on Harry's lower-back.

"Yeah. Padfoot and Moony have there ways of making you smile." Harry said with a grin at the two smirking canines.

"Shall we continue then?" Dumbledore asked.

"Yes." Older Ron said, sitting back down.

**Harry- No! Stop, leave Ron! Leave Ron alone you bastards!**

"Glad to see you care about me Harry." Hermione glared. Older Harry just grinned.

**Ron- Just be his friend Harry!**

**Hermione- We'll miss you Harry!**

**Draco- Feel like being my friend yet Potter? (Lays on stomach, waving legs in the air)**

**Harry- No! No way. Yeah, you can torture my friends all you want. **

Harry growled.

**But I will never. EVER. Be your friend.**

**Draco- (Slides forward, looking up at Harry) **

"That kid is WEIRD." Tonks said, making a face.

**You've made, a grandios mistake, Potter. Nobody underminds Draco Malfoy!**

**Dumbledore- (Enters through the door) Sit down Malfoy you little shit!**

There was silence for a minute before...

The room exploded with hysterical laughter.

"Oh my GOD sir!" Teen Ron choked out.

Dumbledore blushed.

**If you do not sit down this instant I will spank your diapered toosh.**

"Has anyone been spanked before at Hogwarts?" Charlie asked.

"Parents and guardians have sometimes been known to come in of their children step out of line." Dumbledore said with a pointed look at Fred and George.

**Harry- Malfoy wears a diaper?**

"Blackmail material if I ever saw it!" Older Ginny grinned.

**Dumbledore- He sure does. Draco, x-ray glasses. (Hands the glasses to Lavender)**

"Woo! Go Professor!" Lee cried.

**Draco- This is all your fault, Potter. Just wait until my father hears about this.**

"Naw, even in the play that's his signature line!"

**Dumbledore- Well well well what fun! Welcome everybody to your very first mag****ical year at Hogwarts. My name is Albus Dumbledore and i'll be your headmaster. Now you'll call me Dumbledore. OR ELSE! **

"We're sorry sir, we won't call you Albus anymore, sir." Kingsley said quickly. Dumbledore blushed.

**Now, by now you should have been sorted into one of four houses. Now during your time at Hogwarts, your houses will be like your family. Boring families who all hate each other. **

"But I love my family!" Teen Ron said, hugging Seamus.

**Who will finally compete for this, the cup! **

**(Snape brings out cup)**

**Goyle- Look at that cup, i's feed myself to Aragog's children for that cup!**

"He NEEDS to sort out his priorities."

**Ron- I'd kill for that cup.**

"Hell yeah!"

**Harry- That cup is ours Slytherin, you're gonna die. **

"Bit violent, aren't we?" Sirius grinned.

**(All houses start yelling at each other)**

"If only that would really happen!" Neville said dreamily.

**Dumbledore- You can't kill each other in the great hall you have to wait until you're on the Quidditch Feild.**

"KIDDITCH!" James screamed, clapping his hands.

"Is little Jamsie Wamsie a Quidditch fan?" Fred and George said as one.

"Oh, he's gonna be a Seeker like his dad!" Harry grinned.

"No, he's going to be a chaser like his mum!" Ginny yelled.

"Seeker!"

"Chaser!"

"Seeker!"

"SEEKER!" James yelled suddenly. Ginny scowled.

"I thought you were on my side!" She pouted.

"Nup, dadda give James cookies!" James clapped, snuggling into his daddy.

"Oh he does, does he?" Ginny said, folding her arms.

"I have no idea what my son is talking about." Harry said, digging his fingers into his son's ticklish spot.

"Daddy! Stop dat!" James giggled, kicking his legs out.

"I don't give you cookies, do I son?" Harry said, still tickling.

"No! No!" James laughed, burrying his face into Harry's neck.

"See Ginny? I told you." Harry said, now snuggling with his son, his face twisted into a massive grin.

"Git." Ginny mumbled.

**Dean- Quidditch? What you talking 'bout Dumbledore? **

"Dean you are hillarious!" Hermione giggled.

**Dumbledore- Dean, Quidditch is a magical sport just for Wizards and boy is it silly! We take you little cuties and shoot you thousands of miles up into the air on brooms. Where you bounce around big old balls and beat each other with long, thick clubs! And some other rules in there and you get points somehow, but the thing we all watch for is the blood. Isn't that right Lupin?**

"Quidditch is so much better than that!"

**Remus- (Enters) Sure as hell is Dumbledore. **

**Dumbledore- Kids, i'd like you to meet Remus Lupin, our new defence against the dark arts teacher. He's also voulentired to couch the Gryffindor Quidditch team. And let's not forget about my very good friend, and out potion master, and coach of the Slytherin team, Professor Snape.**

"BOO!"

"I'm right here, Potter."

"Oh HI Sevvie!

**Snape- (Claps himself) Yay!**

Snape put his head in his hands as everybody laughed at him.

**I would like to take this oppertunity to announce the Hogwarts Astronamy club. This year we'll be paying particually close attention to the cycles of the moon. And there efects on a certain professor.**

**(Camera turns to Remus, who's shaking his head and mouthing "Son of a Bitch")**

"Bastard." Remus muttered, making Sirius snort.

**Snape- Remus Lupin for example. What do you like doing in the light of the full moon?**

**Remus- That's an easy one Snape. Kill!**

"WHAAA?"

**(Lavender starts crying)**

**I mean, kill animals!**

"No! No hurt da animules!" Rose and James cried frantically.

**(Everyone starts crying)**

**I mean dance with animals!**

"Oh. Otay den!" The toddlers grinned.

**Snape- Well if my calculations are correct, then it should be a full moon this very evening!**

**Remus- You're full of SHIT Snape!**

"Shit!" James and Rose said in unison.

"REMUS!" Ron, Harry and Ginny yelled as one, glaring at the Lycan.

"I didn't say that!" He defended, shrinking backwards.

**(Kids gasp and cover their ears)**

**I mean, poopie. **

"Oh dear Lord."

**It was a full moon just 30 days ago. Infact I must be going! I feel in the mood to kill some animals! **

"NO HURT DA ANIMULES 'EMUS!" James screamed at the top of his lungs. Harry stiffled a laugh and attempted to calm his son down.

**(Pulls out hand to see a wolf hand, rips open shirt to see a patch of hair.)**

**My transformation! It's beggining! Sorry kids! Speed... of a wolf! (Runs off stage)**

"GOD you are weird." Tonks grinned.

**Snape- Goodbye!**

**Dumbledore- Anyway on a more serious note, Hogwarts isn't all fun and games and trying to violently kill each other. Your lives could be in grave danger as well! **

"Don't I bloody know it." Harry grumbled. Sirius and Remus shot him a look, clearly saying "We're talking about this later." Harry gulped.

**Cho- Why whatever could you mean, professor Dumbledore?**

**Dumbledore- Why it's Cho Chang! How're you doing Cho? **

"Don't you ever say that to me, sir." Cho scowled.

**Well i'm sure that by now you've all heard that the violent criminal Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban. **

"Violent criminal?" Little Harry stuttered nervously. Sirius shot him a look telling him to calm down.

"I was wrongly accused, son." Sirius said. He blushed once he realised what he had said. He looked at older Harry, who was grinning. And Sirius could have sworn that there were tears sparkling in his eyes.

**And the ministy isn't taking the threat he imposses to Hogwarts very lightly. **

**Neville- Oh d-d-dear! Do you mean Professor that Sirius Black could be headed h-h-here?**

"Yeah. Cause I am SO evil!" Sirius said, poking little Harry in the ribs, making him squeal.

**Dumbledore- I sure do, Schlongbottom. In fact there might be some cute little Gryffindor that's leading him right to our doorstep!**

**Ron- Thanks Herman! **

BANG!

Everyone turned their heads to see Ron hanging upside down in the air, and a very smug looking Hermione.

**Harry- Ron he said cute, he could only have been talking about me. **

"Yeah Harry, you're just a sex bomb!" Older Ginny said, pretending to swoon.

"That's why we have two kids, love." Harry said, leaning over to Ginny and kissing her on the lips.

**Ron-Oh yeah. Herm-ih-won's a butt.**

"Wanker." Hermione said.

"How did you know about that?" Asked Ron. Everybody paled as Ron burst out laughing.

**Dumbledore- She sure is Ron! So anyway, the ministry has sent a new security officer to help keep, HARRY POTTER, as well as everybody else here safe as can be! So! Kids, I want you to help me by giving a big warm Hogwarts welcome to, proffesor Umbridge.**

"Ah shit."

**(Stomping noises)**

Little Harry curled into Sirius at the noise.

**(Door opens, revealing a man dressed in a pink dress, bleach blonde hair and headpiece.)**

Silence for a moment before...

"Wow. Talk about a raging man-whore." Dumbledore said.

"WHAT?" Everybody turned to stare wide-eyed at the old man, before bursting into fits of hysterical laughter. Everybody who had met Umbridge was laughing twice as hard as everybody else, rolling around on the floor, tears flowing freely from their eyes.

About half an hour later, everybody had nearly settled.

**Dumbledore- (Takes Severus's hands) Severus, I was under the impression that the ministry was sending a woman! Not this handsome stud muffin! So dreamy! Sexy man!**

Many people made retching noises.

"Are you gay, sir?" Bill asked suddenly. Sirius, Remus and Kinglsey all spat their drinks out.

"Yes. Yes I am." Dumbledore said. "Why else do you think I wear nylon pink robes?"

**Harry- Who is that guy?**

**Ron- That's no guy! That's Dolores Umbridge. My dad told me about her. He says she can't be killed. He says she drinks blood! **

"She sounds scary!" Little Harry whispered, burrying his head in Sirius's side. Sirius wrapped an arm around the child and pulled him close.

**Hermione- I heard that she used to be the warden of Azkaban, and the dementors that worked there are only afraid of one thing. Her.**

**Seamus- Well I 'eard, that once a dementor kissed her, and it died. **

"Eak!" Teen Ginny said loudly, jumping onto George's lap and throwing her arms around his neck.

**Neville- Oh dear!**

**Dumbledore- Well, uh! Professor Snape will now escort the boys to their dormitories, and Proffesor Umbridge has asked to have a word with all of you ladies, about the girls dorm. **

"No! Don't leave us alone with her!" Cho pleaded.

**Snape- Walk this way! (****Runs off)**

"I think we should sleep now." Dumbledore said. Sirius instantly stood, pulling little harry into his arms, and taking him into his and Remus's room.

* * *

><p><strong>Alright Guys? I know it's been a week or two since last update, but I've been wedding planning! Forgive me? <strong>

**Anyway, next chapter Harry gets tickled! XD**


	6. Privilage of being a Godfather

Sirius used a spell to change Harry's clothes into a pair of red pyjamas. Harry rubbed his eyes sleepily as Sirius lifted him up again. Remus pulled back the covers of Harry's bed, allowing Sirius to slide the small boy inside.

"Sweet dreams, son." Sirius said, leaning down and kissing Harry on the forehead. Remus did the same. Harry's eyes were soon closed in submission to sleep.

Sirius and and Remus crept out of the room, and back into the viewing area. Most of the teens and adults had gone off to their bedrooms. Sirius and Remus's eyes drifted to older Harry, who was taking quietly with Ron and Ginny, while rocking Albus gently in his arms. Looking at the mother, father and son only reminded them of one thing.

James, Lily and Baby Harry.

Sirius looked over to Remus, as if to confirm it. Remus caught his eye, and nodded. They watched as Ron took Rose into his room, closing the door behind him.

Ginny took a very tired looking James by the hand, and lead him into his bedroom, which he was to be sharing with the Teenage Weasley boys, so the redheads could get a chance to play with their nephew. Harry stood after a minute, still cradling Albus in his arms. He met the two canine's gazes, and gestured with his head for them to follow. He made his way into his and Ginny's room. He walked over to the crib in the corner. He kissed the baby's forehead and put him down on the changing table. Harry carefully replaced Albus's baby grow with an all in one.

Sirius and Remus reached the door in time to see Harry kiss Albus's forehead again, before placing him down in the crib.

"Love you." Harry said to the sleeping boy. He turned around to face the two men. He smiled, the grin turely reaching his eyes.

"You're a good father." Remus said with a warm smile.

"Brilliant." Sirius added. Harry blushed, but grinned all the same.

"I just love them both so much." He said, looking back at the sleeping form of Albus.

"I do have a question though." Sirius said. "Why call him Albus Severus?"

"Because Severus was a Slytherin that died like a Gryffindor." Harry said simply. "He died to save wizarding kind from Tom."

"Tom?" Remus questioned.

"Tom Riddle." Harry said. "Voldemort's real name. If you want you can read about how I killed him first thing in the morning."

"Yeah." Sirius said. "We'd better get to sleep."

"Night guys." Harry said, just as Ginny came in, clad in a silk, and very sexy night dress, and open silk dressing gown.

"Come on then Mr Potter, i'm waiting." She winked. Harry grinned, cast one very giddy look at Sirius and Remus, before closing, locking, and sound proofing the door.

Sirius and Remus shot each other a look, both clearly wondering who gave Harry 'The Talk'.

* * *

><p>"Say Bill!" Bill said, looking down at James.<p>

"Fill!" James said back.

"No no, Bill. With a B." Bill said again.

"Billby!" James said again, sucking on his fingers.

"Close enough." Bill said with a small grin. Older Ron walked up to the crib.

"Unca Ron!" James clapped, grinning up at the redhead.

"Hiya James." He grinned. "Came to say goodnight to you."

James held up his hands and looked expectantly at Ron. Ron laughed and lifted the toddler into his arms, planting a kiss on his forhead.

"Nigh' unca Ron!" He said gleefully. Ron grinned. He turned to the teenagers.

"Don't keep him up to late." He said. "If you do, i'd slee with one eye open for the rest of this visit."

He put James back down again, and left the room, leaving the threat hanging in the air.

* * *

><p>The next morning, Harry awoke to find himself on the floor. He opened his eyes, and looked up, only to see an all to familiar face.<p>

"Hello Harry." Sirius said, twirling his wand in his fingers.

"Sirius," Harry said, sitting up. "Please don't tickle me..."

"Why should I not, Harry?" Sirius said, a smirk covering his face. "Everybody is out for revenge, and I just thought I would get fine first. Call it the privilige of being a godfather."

The next thing he knew, his wrists and ankles were bound together.

"Sirius!" Harry moaned, squirming. "Let me go!"

"I don't think so, oh glorified chosen one." Sirius grinned. "I'm going to have some fun with you. Rictusempra!"

The tickling feeling reached Harry almost in an instant. Harry collapsed onto his side, letting out pleas of laughter.

"Sirius! Ssstop!" Harry begged. Sirius only laughed, and twisted his wrist to intensify the spell. Harry was already becoming dizzy with laughter.

"Oh Harry, are you ticklish?" Sirius teased. "Do you want me to stop?"

"Yesssss!" Harry begged, fighting against the bonds. To his suprise. he felt Sirius cancel the spell. However not to his suprise, he heard Sirius approach him.

"Well that's just to bad." Sirius rolled Harry over to he was on his back. He cast a quick charm so Harry's hands were pinned above his head. Sirius dove down and attacked Harry's stomach and ribs. Harry shreiked with laughter, and bucked under his Godfathers body.

"Good God Sirius stop!" Harry begged, rolling around like lunatic.

"Maybe in a minute." Sirius grinned. "Or maybe not." Sirius moved his hands down, and poked Harry's hips and stomach.

"Quit it!" Harry laughed, and squirmed, until tears poured down his face. Only THEN did Sirius stop. "Can't breath..." Harry moaned as Sirius undid the bonds.

"Oh my God!" Sirius grinned, laying beside Harry.

"Sod off." Harry hissed. Sirius roared with laughter.

"You screamed like a little girl!" He laughed. "Oh this is priceless!"

"Shut UP Sirius." Harry growled, sitting up.

"You're a sourpuss, you know that?" Sirius grinned, helping Harry to his feet.

"That's why you love me." Harry said, a small smile on his face. Sirius poked him in the ribs.

"Come on, lets go watch that musical."


	7. Three Simple Rules!

**Dumbledore- Well if it isn't Harry fucking Potter.**

"Cheers." Harry grumbled.

**I haven't seen you since you were a cute little baby!**

Little Harry blushed, and Remus nudged him.

"You really were a cute baby, you know." He whispered. Little Harry smiled up at the werewolf.

**Didn't you grow up into a sexy little bitch like your father.**

"I'm sorry, did I hear that right?" Sirius said, wide eyed. "You think James was _sexy_?" Dumbledore blsuhed, much to Minerva's amusement.

**(Harry and Dumbledore hug) **

**Harry- You knew my dad?**

**Dumbledore- I sure did, and your mum to! Both of them were in Gryffindor house when they came to Hogwarts. I forgot where the scarf put them, though.**

"James would be the same as you, Harry." Sirius said with a smug grin.

"Says you." Remus rolled his eyes. "You spent half, if not more of your time in front of a mirror."

"It takes more than a few minutes to create this beautiful face, Moony darling." Sirius said, gesturing to his face.

"No joke." Harry mumbled to himself. Sadly for him, Sirius hear. Sirius nudged Harry so hard, he fell on the floor.

Everybody burst into hysterical laughter as Harry stood up again and rubbed his soar bottom.

"Sorry 'bout that Bambi." Sirius grinned sheepishly. Harry scowled at him as he sat back down.

**Harry- What did you get sorted into?**

**Dumbledore- Gay as the forth of July. **

" Dafudge?" Dennis said, while everybody cracked up laughing.

**Oh you mean from the hat! Gryffindor Harry!**

"Really?" Moody said.

"Yes, but the hat said I had qualities for all houses." Dumbledore said with a twinkling smile

**You should be very proud Harry because Gryffindor is the house of the good guys.**

**Now you get that little toosh off to bed you little scamp. **

"Hem hem." Ginny said in such a good impression of Umridge, the entire DA jumped out of their skins. "What about Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff?"

"This isn't me speaking!" Dumbledore cried, a little bit terrified of the glares he was getting. Especially the one from that Cho Chang.

Damn that girl was scary.

**Harry- Bye Dumbledore! (Runs out) **

**Dumbledore- Bye! **

**Scarf- Alright Dumbledore, let's go to bed. I am so over sorting these little bastards.**

"I'm sorry what now?"

**Dumbledore- Scarfy.**

"Dumbledore, do you fancy the scarf of sexual preference?" Kingsley asked.

"Apparantly." Dumbledore said.

"I thought you fancied Umbridge?" Hermione asked.

"Two timing bastard." Flitwick muttered, making Sproat and Madam Hooch giggle like schoolgirls.

**Scarf- WHAT? Some off them are bastards! That little Draco Malfoy, is he gonna be a pain in the nose.**

"Malfoy isn't a bastard, is he?" Older Ron whispered to Ginny with a grin.

"No, Narcissa and Lucius were married." Ginny answered quietly, snickering along with everybody else.

**Dumbledore- Oh Scarfy.**

**Scarf- Oh Dumbledear. **

"Can we call you Professor Dumbledear please?" George asked hopefully.

"George!" Mrs Weasley scolded. Dumbledore just shook his head and chuckled.

**Come on, let's go fung shui your office!**

**Dumbledore- Oh yeah, I feel like i'm missing the water element. **

"You know what? You're character seriously creeps me out." Sturgis Podmore said, looking at Dumbledore. Dumblerdore only smiled sheepishly.

Suddenly, James felt like he wasn't getting enough attention.

"MAMMA!" He screamed, making Rose jump.

"Dames! Sut up!" She scowled, while Harry laughed and tickled his son.

**Scarf- Follow me!**

**(Dumbledore and Scarf exit, cuts to girls laughing)**

**Umbridge- Ahem.**

"NO! It's Hem Hem!" Teen Ginny yelled, while everybody covered their mouths to stop laughing.

**(Girls stop talking)**

**Now girls. **

Minerva held back a snort.

**I know this is your first year at Hogwarts. And I know that some of you might be, nervous, or frightened. But girls, i'm here to make your time at Hogwarts, as totally awesome. As possible! **

"He's scary." Little Harry whispered into Sirius.

**Because girls, i'm not just a teacher, or security officer. In fact, i'd like to think of all of you, as my daughters. **

"Who's the father, Voldemort!" Hermione cried, a disgusted look on her face.

**And that makes me, yo mama...**

"Yo mama Umbrige?" Cho screamed, covering her mouth to stop herself calling out for her real mum.

**And a very loving, and caring mother, I am.**

"I doubt that very much." Older Harry rolled his eyes, well everyody silently shook with laughter.

**So for all of us girls to get along together in the girls dormitory this year, there are just a few simple rules, that must be obeyed. **

"She sounds like the chef from the muppets!" Little Harry cried, making Hermione and Dean nod their heads in agreement. Everybody else was to busy biting their fists to stop themselves laughing.

**Rule number one. No boys. Unless they're cute. **

"I'm screwed then!" Older Ginny said, shooting a smirk at Harry, who gaped at her. "I'm only joking, you muppet!" Ginny proved her point by whacking Harry in the stomach with the back of her hand.

**Rule number two. No alcohol. Unless there's plenty to go around! **

"I think I actually prefere this Umbridge to the real one." Cho said, while everybody was now staring at the screen with wide eyes.

**Stop it girls, i'm bad. Rule number three. No parties. Unless Umridge is invited!**

"I just got a really bad mental image of Umbridge and Filch dancing the Macerana." Older Ron blinked. Older Harry and Ginny both gagged.

**You keep me young girls, you keep me young! Der der der der...**

"L.U.L!" Older Harry yelled. People gave him funny looks.

"What is L.U.L? Is it like S.P.E.W?" Colin asked, casting a nervous look at Hermione.

"L.U.L means laughing Under Lava. IN A LOLCANOE!" ((A.N: Why knows what i'm talking about, MiMers!))

**But seriously girls, if I do catch you with any boys or alcohol, i'm gonna rip your perky little boobs off. **

Rose gasped and hid her face in Ron's chest. The teens all rolled their eyes. Now THIS was more like Umbitch.

**That's right. This year, we're gonna be doing things around here, my way. We gonna be doing things, THE UMBRIDGE WAY! **

Rose, James, Albus and little Harry all squeaked and his their faces.

**(Lavender starts crying)**

**I'm sorry, did I make you cry, you chubby little fuck!**

"Who's that meant to be?" Padma asked, clutching onto her sister.

"Lavender Brown." Ginny said, stroking James's hair soothingly.

"Oh no!" Lavender paled.

**That's alright. Human tears, are very natural. In fact, when I was a young human, tears would fall from my eyeballs all the time. **

"Did she just say when I was a young human?" Hannah Abbott said, eyes widening.

**Until one day, my mama Umbridge came to me, and said, "Dolores, you put down that cheescake. You through out that fondue, an you get up, of the couch girl! Get on up!**

"She's terrifying

**(Hermione stands up)**

**SIDDOWN! And from that moment on, I picked up anything I could find, and I hoisted it above my head, and ate nothing but Protein shakes, falcon eggs and rocks!**

"Seriously getting creeped out now..." Emmeline whispered, clutching onto Dorcas.

**Cos I'll tell you girls, it's a mans world out there, and to get ahead, you have to be stronger than a man! You have to be a woman! I am woman, hear me, SMASH! **

"She scares me." Little Harry whispered. Suddenly, Severus felt the urge to run over there and scoop up the child himself.

**So get up girls! Get on up! And fall in!**

**(Girls get into a line)**

**It's mama Umbridge's job, to keep her baby bears safe! And i'm gonna do, just that. **

**(Runs along the line, kissing the girls)**

The girls all clutched each other.

**And to do that, I've got to toughen you girls up! From this day forward, you're gonna do 500 push ups a day! **

Cho grabbed Luna and Hermione, who hugged her back.

**Except for you Cho Chang, you don't have to do a Goddamn thing! **

"Huh?" Cho said, opening her eyes.

**Cho- Oh, goodie! (Steps out of line, grinning and twirling hair)**

Cho closer her eyes again and sighed.

**Umbridge- Nope, because everybody already thinks you're goddamn perfect, don't they.**

"Mmmmmmmmmm!" Cho groaned into Luna's shoulder.

**Cho- Well, I certainly hope I haven't given them a reason not to think so.**

"Cho, you're much nicer than that." Luna said, dreaminess gone.

**Umbridge- (Demented look) Hehehehe. Her her her her. A DER DER DER DER!**

"Forget scary, the bitch is crazy!" Sirius said, covering Harry's eyes with his hand.

** And funny too! Isn't she just a fucking peach girls! Don't we just fucking love her? (Grabs Cho's hair) **

Hermione took Cho's hand in a friendly way.

**Lesson number one girls, little scanks like her always get what they want!**

"She's NOT A SKANK!"

** While you, you've got to eat each other to get ahead!**

"NO EAT MUMMY!" Rose screamed, accidenly smacking Ron in the face. He covered his nose with a loud grunt, while Harry burst out laughing.

"S'not funny, Potter!" Ron growled.

"Sorry Won-Won, but it is." Harry grinned, wiping away a tear. "Good girl, Rosie!"

** Cos that's just the waythe world works for frumpy little turds like us! I mean... (Cracks neck) Like you.**

"That is going to be in my nightmares tonight!" George said loudly, pulling teenage Ginny close to him.

**Now girls, get on upstairs and brush them cute little teeth of yours! And if I catch you out of bed past 21:00 hours, I won't be afraid to stick a red-hot curling iron up those puckered little butt-holes of yours! Because that's what my mama did to me, and I won't be afraid to do it to my daughters! Lights out!**

**(Sighs, and walks off)**

"Somebody erase that from my mind!" Remus groaned.

"Let's just watch the next clip." Hermione sniffed, shakily pressing play.


	8. Who Invited Boo Radley?

**What took me so long? Six letters. S.C.H.O.O.L. AHHHH! I have been pretty moody lately and generally not in the mood to write, because of my sleep-deprived state, due to the never ENDING PILE of end of term HOMEWORK! But I love you all to much to waise my only free time on studying. I mean, who needs it?**

* * *

><p><strong>(Bell rings)<strong>

**Cho- Good morning Gryffindors.**

**Seamus- Good morning, Miss Chang!**

**Dean- Carry you're books for you?**

**(Cho, Seamus, Dean exit)**

"I really wish they didn't show me like this." Cho said, sighing.

"I think it's cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute." Older Harry said, earning a hard smack from Ginny.

**Ron- Charms, sucks. **

Flitwick shot a look at Ron.

**Potions, sucks.**

Snape glowered at Ron.

**Transfiguration, sucks. **

"YOU suck!" McGonagall said. Everybody stared at her, before bursting into hysterics.

**Harry- Yeah the best class is deffonatley satanic rituals.**

"Wha.. what?" Ginny said, turing to Harry.

"VOODOO!" He yelled, kissing her on the lips. Everybody jumped.

"DUDE WHAT THE HELL!" Dean yelled, rubbig his ears.

**Hermione- Hey guys, so where we headed?**

**Ron- Woo woo woo woo woo, Harry and I, are going to Quidditch trials.**

"Of course you are. Boys and Quidditch." Older Ginny rolled her eyes.

"Says you Mrs Captain of the Holly-head Harpies." Older Ron said.

"I become a captain!" Teen Ginny screamed. The people from the future nodded. She gleamed.

**Hermione- Quidditch? You can't try out for Quidditch! My parents say that sports are bad for your teeth. **

"How does that work?" Kingsley said, looking at the screen with an amused smile.

**Ron- I don't care. (Waves hands around)**

"Ron, be NICE to your wife." Harry said, cuffing Ron on the ear.

**Hermione- (Takes Harry's hand and begins to lead him away) Look, why don't we try out for an extra curricular acticity that's intulectually stimulating and teen-friendly, we could try out for wizards chess club, or wizards debate?**

"Booooooooooooooooooooooooring!" Older Harry and Ron yawned in unison. Hermione shot them death glares.

**Harry- Look, why don't you go do that lame, boring stuff. Ron and I are going to do the fun, dangerous stuff!**

"You'd better bloody not. I want a full account of your first two years at Hogwarts when we've finished watching this bloody thing." Sirius said, looking pointedly at Older Harry, Ron and Ginny, who all gulped and looked down.

**(Harry and Ron hug)**

**Hermione- Or we could do something together?**

**Ron- No, Herman, we can't.**

"Why, oh WHY are you being such a little shite Ronald?" Harry said, turning to look at Ron.

"He must of forgotten his pills, Harold." Ginny said, shaking her head sadly.

"That must be the case, Ginevra." Harry said, looking at Ron in mock-sympathy and patting him on the head. "There there, Ronald. We're here for you."

"Oh sod off." Ron muttered, swatting away Harry's hands and turning a deep shade of red, while everybody else had cracked up laughing.

**Because Harry and I, wanna have fun. And get girlfriends.**

"You have a wife now. So shat it!"

**(Mimicks squeezing boobs)**

"Pervert." Harry mumbled. Ron groaned.

**And we can't do that with you just sagging along all the time. So, why don't you just go hang out with moaning Myrtle?**

Hermione looked down. This was similar to how Ron had treated her in first year. Teen Ron noticed and pulled her into a hug, kissing her on the head.

**Hermione- Because she thinks i'm annoying!**

**(Ron puts his hands out obviously)**

"RONALD!" Ginny and Harry scolded, each whacking him on the back of the head.

"Stop hitting me!" He pouted, making everybody crack up again.

**You know, maybe i'll just try out for Quidditch, I mean it's not like you can just kick me off the feild!**

"Hermione?" Fred started.

"Playing Quidditch!" George continued.

"Pardon us but-"

"Isn't that just-"

"A little but less than-"

"Likely?"

"Oh shut up." Hermione blushed.

**(Remus entered, golf bag over his shoulder)**

**Remus- Bleurgh! Kick my guts out, hey guys, who invited Boo Radley?**

"OI!" Hermione screeched, lobbing a satsuma at Remus. It hit the target right on the nose.

"Oi! Why'd you hit me with an orange?" He moaned.

"Technically, it was a satsuma." Charlie pointed out.

"Shush!"

**(All students minus Hermione laugh)**

**Get the hell of the feild Herman! I'm not kidding!**

"You little-"

"Calm down Herman!" Dean rolled his eyes, making the rest of the students laugh. Hermione turned her glare to him. "Sorry ma'am! Please don't hurt me!" He cringed, bringing his knee's up to his chest and covering his face with his arms. Hermione smirked, and pressed play again.

**(Hermione exits looking sad)**

**Alright, guys, who's ready to win the house cup? **

**(Boys cheer) That's what I like to hear. So, what've we got here. Quidditch. The most ancient, and silliest of all wizarding sports.**

"Is not sillay!" James pouted, crossing his little arms across his chest.

"Sorry James." Remus said with a grin.

**Some of you may know, that the Gryffindor Pee-wee team has not won a match in fourteen years. But I think, with me as your coach, and you little stallions as my team, there's no WAY we're losing to Slytherin or Ravenclaw or Jigglypuff. **

"Jigglypuff?" Hannah Abbott and Susan Boned cried out, glaring at the screen.

**So! Who here has ever played Quidditch before, huh? How about, riding a broom. Anybody ever riden a broom before?**

**(Ron starts to raise hand) **

**Ron?**

**Ron- No, I was just stretching.**

"Ron, you have riden a broom." Bill said, looking at his brother.

"Gah." Ron put his hands over his face, ignoring Harry and Ginny who had both cracked up laughing.

"What?" Sirius asked, confused.

"In sixth year, Ron and Dean, they..." Ginny choked out.

"Rode his _broom_!" Harry finished, his face blushed. Dean and both Ron's both blushed furiously, as everybody was either shoked, or about to die of laughter.

**Remus- Oh. as anybody ever thrown, or caught a ball.**

**Neville- Somebody was throughing something at me once?**

**Harry- Yeah it was! (Harry and Ron high-fived)**

"Sick minded freak." Ginny muttered, making Harry blush.

**Remus- Work with what you got. Thomas, Finnigan, up here.**

**Seamus- At your service guvna!**

**Dean- Yo, whatup boss!**

"Lord kill me now." Dean muttered, even redder than before.

"Is anybody gonna comment on the fact that his actor is a girl?" Dumbledore asked.

Everybody looked at the actor for a second, before screaming in laughter.

**Remus- I want you two to take these bats and practise hitting each other with them, okay? You guys are the beaters.**

**Dean- Like this? (Hits Seamus, who doubles over in pain slowly)**

"Duuuuuuude!" Seamus moaned.

**Remus- That's it Dean. Veeeeeeeeeeeeeery good. Ron, you're keeper! (Throws the ball, which flys right past Ron) Harry. (Beckons Harry over)**

"Great catch, Weasley." A voice drawled from the door. Everybody spun around.

"Draco!" Harry said in suprise. He stood and went to great the ex-death eater, pulling him into a 'manly' hug. Ron did the same, and Ginny kissed him on both cheeks. Everybody sat there in complete shock.

"Whaaaaa...?" Teen Ron finally said. "And who's the kid?" He said, beconing to the child in Malfoy's arms.

"My son. Scorpius." Draco said, cheerfully bouncing his son in his arms. He squealed in delight.

"Rosie! Dames!" Scorpius shouted, upon spotting the children.

"Scor!" The two toddlers yelled, running up to great the Mini-Malfoy. They all met in the middle and hugged.

"This is just to weird for words." Hermione said, looking at Draco. Draco turned to older Ron.

"Hermione's coming soon. And boy is she pissed with you for leaving her behind." He said with a slight smirk.

"Ahhhhh crap." Ron face palmed, much to Harry's amusement.

"Where's Astoria?" Ginny asked as they all sat down again.

"At home with Fleur, Angelina and Audrey. They've developed a strong friendship. It's actually kinda scary." Draco shuddered.

"They took you shopping, didn't they?" Harry smirked.

"Shut up, Harry." Draco sniffed. "So where are we at?"

"Quidditch pitch." Ginny smirked. Draco groaned.

**Harry- Yeah coach?**

**Remus- Listen Harry, you're really the most important guy.**

"Inflate his ego more, why dontcha?" Draco mumbled, making Harry playfully shove him.

** Okay, you see this thing? (Holds up the snitch) It's called the golden snitch. Now during the game, it's gonna sprout wings, and fly all over this massive stadium. And it's your job to catch it.**

**Harry- That sounds easy enough. **

"Cos he's unca Hawwy!" Scorpius cried, clapping. Everybody from the past exchanged looks.

**Remus- You're the seeker Harry, just like your dad. **

"Uh... James was a chaser." McGonagall said, looking at Remus as if he was four.

"NO! I is a seeker!" James cried. McGonagall only smiled at the child.

**Harry- You knew my dad?**

**Remus- Yeah I knew him. Me and him used to play Quidditch together. **

**(Sad music comes on)**

"Come on!" Remus groaned.

**I don't know if you know this Harry, but I was your dads best friend. **

"What am I?" Sirius asked, offended.

**Harry- I thought the traitor, Sirius Black was my dad's best friend. **

"Traitor?" Little Harry asked, looking up in confusion. Sirius just shook his head.

**Remus- No... Who told you that? Did your dad tell you that?**

**Harry- I didn't really get a chance to talk to him after he died.**

Everybody shook his or her heads, laughing their socks off.

**Remus- Good. You probably just heard somebody saying that. Alright lets play some Quidditch.**

**(Boys cheer)**

**Hey Harry, get on your broom and make my best friend proud. **

**Snape- Who's that, Hagrid?**

"Don' be nasty, Snape." Hagrid said dissaprovingly.

**Remus- No it's not Hagrid, SNAPE! What are you doing here? Gryffindor has the feild today, I reserved it weeks ago. **

**Snape- Not according to my Scheduel. Slytherine has the pitch today, in order to train our new seeker, a Draco Malfoy.**

**(Malfoy slides out from between Goyle's legs)**

"Oh Bloody hell." Draco hissed as everybody laughed at his expence.

**Remus- Okay, that is impossible, I got a slip from Dumbledore. Maybe he accidenlty signed the feild out to both of us.**

**Snape- That's absurd...**

**Remus- You're absurd!**

**Snape- What! Say that to my face.**

**Remus- You're absurd!**

**Snape- THAT'S ABSURD! **

"Think they have a thing going on?" Luna said to Cho, who snorted loudly.

**Alright! Let's see this slip from Dumbledore, if it even does exist.**

**Remus- (Takes out Crookshanks from the golf bag, everybody runs screaming. Hermione comes on and grabs the cat)**

"What is it with your bloody cat?" Draco moaned, getting a pillow in the face.

** Eurgh! Just keep that thing, out of my thing!**

Didn't that just sound so wrong?

**Hermione- Sorry! **

**Remus- What was I even doing?**

**Snape- The slip?**

**Remus- Alright, here. (Hands Snape the slip)**

**Snape- (Looks closely at the slip) Why this is propesterous! I demand to see Dumbledore at once!**

**Remus- Fine! Let's go!**

**Snape- Alright let's go.**

**(Snape and Remus leave)**

**Harry- Well they're gonna be a while so we might aswell take this oppertunity to break out a funky tune!**

**(Takes out guitar)**

"YAY! NEXT CLIP!"


	9. Hermione can't draw!

_From now on, if I say Harry, it's Harry from the future, same with the other time travellers, and if I say little Harry or teen Ron ect, then they're from the present._

* * *

><p>Hermione sniffed and pushed play.<p>

**Draco- Hey Potter. Potter. Potter!**

"Can you play guitar, Harry?" Draco asked. Harry blushed. Ron noticed and smirked.

"You can, can't you!" He taunted. Ginny came to his rescue.

"It's how he proposed to me! Got down on one knee and sung 'Love me Tender'!" She snarled.

"That is so sweet!" Hermione squealed. Harry blushed again. As did little Harry.

"Who knew our Harry was such a ladies man!" Sirius grinned, playfully shoving Harry.

"Sod off Sirius." Harry growled.

**Harry- What?**

**Draco- I drew a picture of you. **

"Oh sweet mother of Merlin..." Draco groaned.

"Ha!" Harry grinned.

**Harry- What?**

**(Draco hands Harry the picture)**

"Ah Dracy, who knew you were so talented!" Ron teased, making Draco turn very red.

**Draco- You see what's happening to you in it? It's you getting hit in the head with a quaffle. **

"Oh that's so EVIL!" Harry mock-gasped. Draco whacked him.

**Goyle- Ahohohohohohohoho!**

**Draco- Don't you feel foolish? **

"Too funny!" Colin Creevey choked.

**And that's me, that one, that's me. I'm in the background, lauging and pointing at you! We're having a right good time aren't we? Pay special attention to the shading on your sweater, it's rather good. It's quite good.**

"Why must you put me through this torture?" Draco cried in experation. Harry and Ginny only snickered.

**It's probably the best i've ever done! **

"Ah, is ickle Dracy pwoud of his colowing?" Ron grinned. Draco shoved him.

**Mind if I have that back? No. No! I'm taking it! (Grabs the picture) What do you tink of that, Potter? Stolen your favourite drawing. **

"Harry?" Draco said suddenly.

"What?"

"Will you marry me?" Everybody started choking on their own spit.

"WHAT!" Sirius and Remus spluttered. Meanwhile, Ron and Ginny were howling with laughter.

"What's so funny?" Teen Ron demanded.

"This is a joke they keep doing." Ginny replied, tears streaming down her face.

"It never works." Draco huffed as Harry punched him in the arm.

**Look, what do you think of this...**

**(Malfoy rips the photo)**

"OH NOEZ!" Draco yelled, covering his face. Everybody snickered.

**No! Goyle paste it! Look what you've done Potter!**

"You lot blame me for everything!" Harry moaned. Draco only kissed him on the cheek. "Ewww..."

"DRACO MALFOF GET YOUR PUCKERED LIPS OFF MY HUSBAND!" Ginny screeched. Draco gulped.

"Sorry Mrs Potter!" He said quickly.

"Whipped!" Harry sung.

"YOU TOO!" Ginny turned on him. Harry now gulped.

"Yes dear, sorry dear."

**You wait until my father hears about this! He'll say, "Draco, you goddamn little poofer. Why don't you stop your whining and learn to use the potty like a normal human."**

"OH MY GOD!" Ron squeeled. "FORESHADOWING!"

"What the hell are you..." Harry started, then got a smirk on his face. "Oh..."

**And and they'll pull down my diaper, scold me for the mess i've left in it, and spank my cheekes red as cherries! **

"Uh..."

**Harry- That really sucks Malfoy, but I still can't believe you still wear a diaper. **

"Me neither!" Colin said.

**Draco- All respectable wizards do. **

"Uh huh, suuuuuuure." Harry said, making Draco scowl at him.

**I mean, h-how do you expect me to use a potty I could fall into that monstrocity.**

James and Scorpius came padding over to Draco.

"No wowwy dadda." Scorpius said, sucking his thumb.

"You no fall in da potty. I di'nt!" James said, looking rather proud.

"I might just die of cuteness." Cho whispered to Luna, who nodded in afreement.

**At least, I can draw. **

**Hermione- You know what Malfoy, why don't you leave Harry alone, it's not like that's drawings that good. **

**(Everybody gasps and Draco spins around dramatically)**

"I have a feeling that probably wasn't the best thing to say." Snape said, eyeing the nervous looking Gryffindor.

**Draco- Not. That. Good? Let's see you try to draw something better, you little mudblood.**

Snape hissed at the word 'Mudblood'. If he heard that the present time Draco Malfoy had been saing such vulgar words, he would make sure he was not able to sit for a month.

**Ron- HEY! **

**(Long pause)**

**YEAH HERMAN!**

"Thanks a bunch Ronald." Hermione hissed, accepting the friendly hug she got from Luna.

**Let's see you draw something, right here, in front of everybody.**

**(Everybody apart from Harry start yelling at Hermione)**

**Harry- Guys stop! This is no way to go about this. I got just the thing. (Picks up guitar and starts to sing) Hermione can't draw...**

**Everybody minus Hermione- (Start to dance) Hermione can't draw, Hermione cannot draw, she only reads books and she cannot draw, even if she's reading a how to draw book.**

"That's mean Dadda!" James said, putting his hands on his hips and scowling at the man.

"Sorry son." Harry said with a small grin.

**(Snape and Lupin enter)**

**Remus- Guys, I screwed up, Slytherins got the pitch. **

"Great. So not only is everybody practiclly shoving me in a bully circle, you've screwed up and given the pitch to those bastards. Bloody, fantastic." Hermione waved her arms around madly.

**What the hell's going on? Guys stop dancing like that! This song isn't even that funny!**

**Ron- Oh yeah? Let's hear you sing something, right here, in front of everybody. **

**All- Lupin can't sing!**

"Lupin can't sing, Lupin can't si- OW!" Sirius moaned as he was elbowed rather harshly in the ribs.

**Lupin can't sing! Lupin cannot sing! He only reads books and he cannot sing! Even if he's reading a how to sing book!**

**Remus- Remember Hermione can't draw! She can't draw!**

"Gee, thanks." Hermione hissed, her mind woring on ways to violently kill Remus John Lupin.

**Draco- Oh yeah! **

**All- Hermione can't draw! Hermione can't draw! Hermione cannot draw!**

**Remus- Follow me! **

**(Everybody starts to exit)**

**Snape- Hey Granger, don't you have somewhere else to be?**

**(Ron and Snape high-five and exit)**

"Oh. My. Rowling." Everybody turned to look at Dumbledore, who was now currently stairing at the ceiling, a blush covering his entire face.

**Hermione- Do I have somewhere else to be? No. **

**(Starts to sing)**

**All my dreams, i'm chasing after. **

"Wow, your voice is really pretty, Hermione." Luna said softly.

"A pretty voice for a pretty girl." Teen Ron said, not realising what he had said until after he had said it. Luckily, nobody apart from Luna had heard him.

**They don't need all this laughter. I take a grain of salt, stiff uper lip. It's not their fault i'm not as hip. Wake up kid, you know you're more than this. I'm the smartest person, that i've ever met.**

"Jeez how modest."

"Kindly shut up, Seamus."

"Sorry! Please don't hurt me- OW! Dean!"

"Hermione told me too!"

** So why do I allow myself, to possibly forget. There's so much I know how to do, so much more than all of you. The only thing I wish I knew, was how to make them see, the girl that I can be! I am the coolest girl in the whole wide world, **

"Is that so?" Flitwick said with an amused smile.

**I know it, can't show it at all. I am sick and tired of low not higher, places where I should belong. And it's about time I prooved them wrong...**

**Give me a shot, to show what i've got i'm a hell of a whole lot more. Than this frizzy hair, these frumpy clothes I wear, though I rock'em like nobody you seen before!**

"HELL YEAH YOU DO!" Ron screamed. Hermione blushed as everybody struggled to hold in their laughter.

** Cause I am the coolest girl in the whole wide world! I know it, below it all. I am done with loosin on with choosin! The coolest girl on the face of the planet! The coolest bitch on earth goddamit! **

"Did I REALLY just say that?" Hermione asked, shocked. Rose clapped her hands in conformation.

**The coolest chick you've ever seen or heard! So you can try to break me down! But sorry cause i'm sticking around! I've thought about it and i've found! That I am, the coolest girl! Yeah!**

"Let's watch the next one, should we?" Kingsley said.


	10. Hugs and Butterfly Kisses!

_HOLY SHIT ITS BEEN AGES! I can't say how sorry I am for the lack of chapters recentley, it's just that my laptop is being stupid and keeps shutting itself down. It's fixed now though! And plus this chapter has a lot going on so it took ages anyways. So here is chapter 10! AND PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!_

_And check out my profile, there is a poll for this story you HAVE to answer!_

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><p><strong>S<strong>**nape- Attention all Hogwarts Students. In celebration of all hollows eve, we will be taking a feild trip to Hogsmead.**

"Yay! Hogsmead!" Dennis cheered.

**Please gather in the courtyard with your signed Hogsmead permission form. Students without their permission form will be killed. **

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" Harry screamed, making James, Rose and Scorpius all giggle.

**No, but they won't be allowed to go and it's going to be a whole lot of fun.**

"Oh it's going to be a whole lot of fun!" Ron mocked, making Snape blush fushia.

**(Snape exits.)**

**Draco- You know Goyle? Using the potty's not so bad. **

"Kill me now!" Draco screamed, putting his hands together and throwing his head back.

**I don't know why I was afraid of it all those years. I think I was concerned about falling in.**

Draco was slowly turning a deep shade of prurple.

**But, I have found that if I climb on top of the potty, and put one foot on either side of the potty hole rim, and get a firm footing, i'm actually quite safe.**

"And he's doing a demonstration as well!" Harry quipped, his voice laced with tourment. Draco punched him in the arm.

**And you know, using the potty's a great time to socialize. **

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GOOD AND HOLEY!" Draco screeched, making everybody giggle like schoolgirls.

**You simply look over to the stall next to you, and you have a right chat with your neighbour. "Oh! Hello there good sir! First time using the potty to eh? Good luck my man."**

"If you ever try that when we get back home..." Ron warned.

"When are you together in your time?" Sirius asked, stroking little Harry's hair.

"We all work at the ministry." Harry explained. Ginny nudged him. "Apart from Gin, she plays for the Hollyhead Harpies."

"Wait wait wait wait wait," Teen Ron said quickly. "Why do we work at the bloody _ministry?_"

"Because ever since the downfall of Voldemort," Draco flinched as Harry said the name, making Ginny whack him. "The ministry has been under better management."

"Who's the minister for Magic?" Tonks asked, leaning forward curiously.

"Kinglsey Shacklebolt." Ron said. "Though Harry and I assist a lot."

"Me?" Kingsley asked, still a bit shocked.

"Yeah, Fudge is sacked at the end of this year, thankfully." Harry said. "Then poor old Amelia Bones..."

"NO!" Susan cried. Hannah put a comforting arm around her while she cried. The entire group bowed there heads for a moment, before Harry turned to Susan.

"We'll change this. Don't you worry, we'll change it." He said soothingly. Susan smiled greatfully.

**Then you simply sqaut, like so. And then I do my business, in my diaper as usual, and then I undo the side latches, and let the diaper simply fall into the potty. Yes, father will hear of this.**

"He'll be so proud if his ickle son!" Neville cooed.

"Shut up Neville." Draco hissed.

**Umbridge- Permission form to Hogsmead? **

**(Seamus hands her a permission form)**

**Have fun at Hogsmead. **

"She's still scary." Little Harry said, shifting uncomfortabley.

**Permission form to Hogsmead?**

**(Ron hands her a permission form)**

**Have fun at Hogsmead. Permission form to Hogsmead?**

**Harry- Uh no! I'm Harry Potter. **

"You're increadibly arrogant, you know that?" Snape said, raising an eyebrow at Harry.

"I know." Harry shrugged. "I can't help it that i'm awesome!"

"Oh shut up, Potter." Snape retorted, making a few people chuckle.

**(Trys to get past but Umbridge stops him) **

**Umbridge- (Starts to laugh) A DER DER DER DER DER!**

"DADDY!" Scorpius, James and Rose ran to their respectable dads, burying their faces into the men's jumpers.

**I'm sorry! I didn't realise I was in the presence of royalty!**

**Harry- That's okay!**

"Not one word, Severus." Harry moaned. Snape smirked, only slightly shocked about the fist name basis thing they had going on.

**HEY EVERYBODY LOOK! IT'S HARRY FREAKING POTTER!**

**(Everybody starts to cheer)**

**Oh my God he's so dreamy. **

"Oh yes he is, yes he IS!" Ginny said with a lisp at the end of her voice, stroking Harry's cheek. Harry rolled his eyes and took a sip of butterbeer.

**And so rich, and famous! Mr Potter! Mr Potter! Will you play me a song on your guitar! Oh wait Mr Potter! Mr Potter! Will you sign my boob? **

"PPPPFFFFFTTTTTTT!" Harry then spat it out, all over the carpet. And Ron.

"Eurgh, gee thanks Harry." Ron said, standing up and looking down at his now butterbeer covered robes.

"Oh for goodness sake stop making such a big fuss about it!" Ginny said, waving her hand. Ron's robes dried.

"Holy crap!" Bill exclaimed. "You can do wandless magic?"

"Yes," Ginny said, "We all can. And Hermione."

"Bloody Hell," Mad-Eye said gruffly, "Hardly any wizards can do that. You lot must have extroidinary magical abilities."

"Well..." Harry trailed off.

**Alright over here.**

**(Umbridge grabs Harry)**

"Crap!"

Sirius and Remus down to see an extremely scared looking little Harry.

Remus moved up along a bit so he and Sirius were pressed right up near to him.

**I wonder what would happen, if I just broke your fingers.**

"I'll tell you what would happen..." Sirius trailed off, mumbling angrily about 'Disembowlment' and 'Beastality'. Harry slid away at that last one.

Remus shot Sirius concerned looks, before turning his attention to little Harry, who looked bloody terrified. Remus lightly poked him in the ribs, making him giggle.

**Because then you wouldn't be able to play your guitar anymore. And then all your little friends, would just leave you alone, and then you'd be, just like Umbridge. **

**(Whispers)**

**Except Umbridge can kick yo ass. **

Nobody knew whether to laugh or scream.

**(Lets Harry go)**

**Now you're a rule breaker Potter, and it's time for your punishment.**

"Has she ever layed a finger on you, Harry?" Remus asked Harry darkly. Harry looked at his hands.

"Oh dear God..." Remus turned to the teenagers. "Have any of you seem Umbridge hurt Harry?"

"Well..." Teen Ron said slowly. "There was the blood quill..."

"BLOOD QUILL?" Was the general screech from around the room. Sirius stood and walked over to Harry, grabbing his hand.

"_I must not tell lies..." _Sirius whispered. He dropped Harry's hand and went and sat back down.

"Why did Harry never tell us." Remus mumbled to himself.

"He said he didn't want to be a burden on you." Hermione said gently. Sirius and Remus's heads snapped to her.

"Why would he say that?" Sirius demanded.

"Why don't you ask him?" Draco said. Harry groaned.

"Thanks alot, Dray." He hissed.

"Can we talk to you Harry?" Remus asked. "You guys carry on watching. We'll be right back."

Harry deposited James on Draco's lap before following Sirius and Remus out of the room.

"Let's coninue watching then." Dumbledore said. Suddenly, there was a loud BANG.

"Hermione!" Ron said, standing up and running to help his wife up.

"Hello Ronald," She smiled, brushing herself down.

"MUMMY!" Rose screamed, running from the other toddlers to greet her mumma. She flung herself into Hermione's open arms.

"Hermione, you turned _hot_." Cho whispered to teenage Hermione.

"I know, it's weird." Teen Hermione whispered back. Hermione sat herself down next to Ron and Draco.

"Where're Harry, Sirius and Remus?" Hermione asked, noticing the lack of Marauders.

"Sirius and Remus went into the backroom to talk to Harry about something. They told us to keep watching." Draco expained.

"Ah, alright." Hermione said, leaning into her Ginger husband.

**Harry- What punishment?**

"Yeah what punishment?" Fred said. Since Sirius and Remus had left for a few minutes, Fred and George had taken it upon themselves to sit either side of Harry, each wrapping an arm around him. Harry had stiffened for a minute, but htem relaxed. Everybody in this room was nice.

Apart from that one guy, but we don't talk about him.

**Umbridge- Oh it's nothing to bad. You've just gotta, take this knife,**

**(Draws a knife)**

**Put it upright on a chair, AND SIT ON IT, PATSY!**

Harry had paled considerably. George ran his hand through the boys hair in a brotherly fashion.

**Neville- (Enters with a boquet of flowers) Excuse me ma'am!**

**Umbridge- Who be disrespecting Umbridge? YOU GONNA DIE, SCHLONGBOTTOM!**

"Holy crap!" Neville muttered, shrinking back into his chair.

**Neville- No ma'am! I just came to deliver these. **

"Who would give her flowers?" Dean asked.

**Umbridge- What are dose? SPEAK BOY!**

**Neville- F-f-flowers, f-f-f-for you.**

**Umbridge- F-f-flowers, f-f-f-for me?**

"Ohhhh she is mean!" James said, jumping up and down and spinning in circles.

"Okay who gave him sugar?" Ginny said, folding her arms. "Ronald?"

Ron put on an innocent face.

"RONALD!" Hermione yelled. "James can't have sugar because he goes completely Looney!"

"Sorry!" Ron cried, throwing his hands up in defeat. "But he looked up at me with those cute puppy dog eyes and I couldn't resist!"

"Jeez, just like his father, is James." Ginny said as she watched James bounce off the walls.

**Did must be, some kind of mistake.**

**Neville- No mistake, ma'am. I was told explicitley to bring them to you. **

**Umbridge- Put them on the ground and back away quickly.**

**(Neville puts the flowers on the ground and backs away. Umbridge crouches down)**

Everybody watched with an intent expression.

**They don't seem explosive. Or poisonous. And they smell absoloutley delightful. **

"She's funnyfunnyfunnyfunny!" James yelled, now skipping in a figure of eight.

**And dey is Snap Dragons! Oh my God dey is my favourite! Who could of known dat?**

"Creepy bitch..." Draco muttered, sliding very close to Ron.

**Neville- Why don't you read the card, ma'am?**

**Umbridge- Okay little boy!**

Angelina patted Neville's head sympathetically.

**It says, "Dear Umbridge," (Gasps) Dat's me! **

"No shit Sherlock..." Seamus muttered.

**"I thought you might like these, Cu-tie." (Gasp AGAIN) Oh my... **

"EW EW EW EW EWWWWW!" Teen Ginny said, covering her ears with her hands and digging her face into Bill's shirt.

**Neville- May I ask who you****r caller is?**

**Umbridge- Sure! It's signed, "Big D," I wonder who dat could be... **

Everybody slowly turned to Dumbledore.

"What?"

**Dank you little boy! **

**(Umbridge goes to stroke Neville's hair.)**

**Neville- AH! (Runs away.)**

"Don't blame you." Dean shuddered.

**Umbridge- Oh! Potter, what was I saying again?**

**Harry- You were telling me to sit on a knife?**

Little Harry burried his face in George's shoulder. George ran his fingernails up and down Harry's back soothingly.

**Umbridge- Dats right! (Starts to laugh) How silly of me. Well it seems yo mamma got a little carried away with herself. But she's not an unreasonable mamma, in fact, she's pretty cool! Right?**

"No. Just... no." Ginny shuddered.

**(Nobody answers)**

**Right! So what do you girls say we all go down to Hogsmead and have a little bit of fun, eh? Hogsmead! Hogsmead everyone! **

**(Everybody starts to run off.)**

**Have fun at Hogsmead! Have fun at Hogsmead! Have fun at Hogsmead. Not you Potter. You still need a permission form.**

**Ron: Well, I'll tell you all about it. It's probably gonna suck!( Runs off excitingly)**

"Well ain't you a good friend." Luna said in her usual dreamy tone.

**Harry: Bye Ron. What's the matter Malfoy? You not going to Hogsmeade?**

**Draco: Certainly not! It's beneath my dignity.**

"YEAH YEAH..." Ron said.

"Shut up Weasley." Draco glared.

**Harry: Whatever( walks off stage)**

**( Draco takes out crayons and a paper and lays on his stomach)**

"What the hell are you doing?" Ginny asked, turning to Draco. He blushed.

**( takes a crayon and starts writing)**

**Draco: Dear Papa, I am writing to enquirer about my Hogmeade permission form. I sent it to you on the very first day at schoola and I am anxiously awaiting its return with your signature on it. But-bu but don't rush, daddy! Missing out on trips like this allows me more time to write letters to you. **

"Awwww!" The girls cooed. Draco turned a darker shade of red.

**Yes. Things at Hogwarts are going quite swimmingly. I'm the most popular boy at school. Even Harry Potter likes me. **

"I think I do like you." Little Harry muttered. Draco grinned at him.

**I'm also the darling of every classroom and the favorite of every professer who has any sense. Oh! Oh! Most importantly I have mastered the use of the potty!**

"Conwatulations!" James and Scorpius came up to him and started clapping. Draco growled. They giggled, and went back to playing.

**Yes, yes I admit I was a late bloomer, but you can imagine my pride as I strolled into charms class and said, "Oh! Hello gents, Professer Flitwick, sorry for my tardiness, I was just learning to use the potty."**

"Yeah cos I bet that went down well.

**Oh how the children laughed with me in celebration! **

"Yep. Celebration. That's what it was." Dumbledore nodded

"Shut up!"

**I like making people laugh. I also like the potty. I know you haven't done so all year, but you can feel free to write to me any time.**

Ron hugged Draco, making him pullback and hold his hands up in a Karate chop way.

"No touchy." He said.

"Yes sir." Ron sulked.

**Hugs and butterfy kisses. Your Draco. Oh P.S Tell mama to bugger off!**

**(Hedwig runs in) Seamus Finagan! Hoot! Letter for Seamus Finagan!**

"DATS ME!" Seamus yelled, making the teenagers chuckle.

**Draco: You there, bird!**

Suddenly, Hedwig appeared out of nowhere and landed on little Harry's lap. He giggled and stroked her head.

**Hedwig: Yes Malfoy?**

**Draco: Do you have anything in ther for me, perhaps from my daddy?**

**Hedwig: Oh well, let's see here-hm...No, sorry kid. Nothing from Lucius Malfoy.**

**(Draco drops down on the floor.)**

Dumbledore stood up and went to give Draco a hug. He sighed, and just accepted it.

**Hedwig: Hey cheer up kid. D'you want a Toys 'R us catalog?**

**Draco: No. I just want to know why my daddy won't write!**

**Hedwig: (Sits down to comfort Malfoy) Listen kid I don't have all the answers. I don't even know why I can talk, really. **

Hedwig nipped Harry's finger affectionatley, making him giggle and stroke her head.

**But as another talking animal once said: All fathers care for their son, so hang in there ok?**

**Draco: Thanks. Goodbye Hedwig**

**Hedwig: Goodbye. Cocoo! Cocoo! Cocoo! (Runs off stage)( Draco walks off stage.)**

**(Harry sitting crosslegged on the floor when Remus appears)**

**Remus: Hey Harry.**

"Man that guy is like Gollem..." Dean said.

**(Harry looks up. Remus moves along.)**

**Harry Potter! Hi. So do ya wanna go to Hogsmead or not?**

"What kind of..."

"...A question is.."

"...That for our..."

"...Ickle Pronglet here?"

Fred and George proved there point by both quickly running their nails up and down Harry's side once. He squealed.

**Harry: More than anything!**

**Remus: Well then feast your eyes on this. The maurader's map.**

"WHOOP!" The Twins, Ron and Ginny cheered.

**Harry: What?**

**Remus: It shows the current location of everyone inside Hogwarts and also has the secret passages out of the castle. Here. Take it.**

**Harry: Wow! Who made this thing?**

**Remus: Well I certainly helped. No but it was me, your day, some other guy, and Sirius Black.**

"DUN... DUN... Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun..." Fred and George said, once more making Harry giggle when they jabbed him in the ribs.

**Harry: You mean my dad's traitor best friend?**

**Remus: No! NO! I am you dad's traitor best... I'm your dad's traitor- no! I am your dad's best friend! Okay? Don't forget it!**

"You're nice..." Charlie muttered to the screen.

**( Snape strolls on stage) Hey Lupin, wanna go look at the full moon with me? Ha ha Zombie!**

Everybody stared at the screen for a minute, before bursting into hysterical laughter. Even Snape had to smile at the randomness of that comment. Maybe he would come out of his shell and be cheerful? ((AN: Only time shall tell...))

**Remus: Snape! **

**( Snape walks off stage)**

**Remus: Alright, Harry I-I gotta go. Listen: just stay out of the shrieking shack, okay. I'm a werewolf in there. ( runs off stage.)**

**Harry: Wait what? ( waves it off and walks off stage.)**

"NEXT CLIP!" Ron demanded.


	11. Remus gets Revenge!

**YOU HAVE TO READ THE TEXT BELOW BEFORE YOU SCREAM AT ME.**

**This Chapter contains Mention of Spanking, Self Harm and Child abuse. DO NOT HATE ME!**

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><p>Sirius slammed the door behind him. He turned around slowly to look at Harry.<p>

"Harry..." He started. He quickly found his arms full of the man.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you back then. I was just scared that you wouldn't want me if you knew." He whispered.

"Tell us more Harry." Remus said gently, perching on the single bed. They had entered a small room that they supposed was to be Draco's. "We need to talk to our Harry when we get out of this room." Harry took a deep breath.

"When I was living at the Dursley's, they hated me. I was locked in my Cupboard on a daily basis without food, water or anything to keep me warm. They told me I was a freak, and that I was the reason for Mum and dad's deaths. They said if it wasn't for me, they would be alive, and telling me what an Ungreatful little shit I was. Whenever I said something out of line, or didn't finish the chores in time, Uncle Vernon would either Spank me or beat me with a belt. And when I was about ten I..." He trailed off.

"Go on." Remus prompted.

"I started cutting myself." Harry said in barely a whisper. Sirius and Remus heard it though.

"Did you ever tell anybody?"

Harry shook his head.

"Do you still do it?" Harry shook his head.

"I stopped when I met Ron and Hermione." He said.

"Okay. But Harry, you do know when we get out of here I am having a firm talk with teenage you." Remus said seriously. Sirius coughed. "And by me, I meant we."

**_SAFE TO READ NOW!_**

"Yes, teenage Harry is gonna be grounded till he's eighty." Sirius said with an evil grin.

"No! I'll still be grounded when I get back!" Harry moaned with a laugh. Sirius grinned and shoved him back on the bed. "OI! What are you- NAH!"

Harry's words were muffled with laughter as Sirius began tickling every inch of him.

"Sirius!" Harry giggled. "R-Remus help!"

Remus's only responce was a chuckle of his own as he walked over to tha pair and dragged Sirius off Harry. Harry sat up, his glasses askew.

"That was mean!" Harry whined, shoving Sirius playfully and straightening his glasses.

"Somebody has to tickle ya, mate." Sirius grinned, poking Harry in the ribs, making him yelp in laughter and scramble away. Sirius grinned and barked a laugh.

"Which reminds me, aren't there still people out to get you?" Remus smirked as Harry's eyes widened. "Me being one of them?"

"Oh crap..." Harry tried to make a bolt for the door, but was caught around the waist by Remus, and thrown back onto the bed. Remus pounced on him, straddling his hips and tickling his ribs and stomach.

"NO! Remus.. Remus STOP!" Harry managed to choke out through his gales of laughter.

"Oh I don't think so." Remus countered, pinning Harry's wrists above his head with one hand. Sometimes werewolf strength really came in handy.

Sirius was desperatley tempted to join in, but instead decided to just tease Harry relentlessly. He sat at Harry's head, looking down on his face. Harryopened his eyes and looked at Sirius. Sirius's hands hovered over Harry's underarms. He moved them down quickly, before bringing them up just af fast.

"Don't!" Harry moaned through the laughter. "That's horrible!"

Harry continued to giggle as Remus lifted his shirt up to his ribs. He bent down and blew a long raspberry on Harry's navel. Harry thrashed and giggled and screamed like a little girl in laughter. Sirius continued to tourment Harry by skimming his fingers a few inches above Harry's actual body.

Just as Harry was about to pass out with laughter, they stopped. Harry took a few gulps of air, his hands still being pinned in place above his head. Then of course Remus had to blow another raspberry.

After about another five minutes, they actually did stop. Remus hopped off Harry and flopped next to him. Sirius lay the other side of him and rested his head on the pillow. They stared at the ceiling for about five minutes before Sirius poked Harry in the belly. He yelped and curled towards Remus, who grinned.

"Come on, we have to get back in there."

"Ahhh..." Harry moaned, sitting up. Sirius pushed him back down as he slid off the bed. "Oi! Piss off."

Sirius and Remus both wore identical grins as they began heading towards the exit. Harry hopped of the bed and quickly followed them, slapping them both upside the head as he did.

"Hey! Oh you are so gonna pay for that later..." Remus scowled, making Harry gulp. As they re-entered the room, they heard Ron yell,

"NEXT CLIP!"


	12. The scene that makes you go BLEURGH!

**Thank you to CullenPotter20 for givin' me the script! I AM ETERNALLY GREATFUL!**

**I own nothing... yada yada ding dong...**

**Oh, and if you MiM folk are wondering... It's Katniss. ;)**

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><p>The three men sat down in their previously occupied seats. Little Harry quickly flew from Fred's arms and onto Remus's lap. Remus chuckled and pulled the young lad close to his chest. Ginny looked at Harry, who just winked at her. She rolled her eyes and looked towards the large screen.<p>

**UMBRIDGE: Have fun at Hogsmeades childrens!**

**Kids: Yeah! ( runs off stage.)**

**UMBRIDGE: And don't get killed by Sirius Black!**

"Yeah, don't get killed children!" Fred and George said in unison, looking sternly at the other teenagers. They both promptly were brutally attacked my flying spoons.

"What the fudge?" Angelina called, fully aware of the children watching her with vague interest. Little did she know that they all knew her as Aunt Angie in the future. *Insert evil laugh* They shrugged and began randomly bending spoons.

**Poor Mama does have some issues with those little scamps does she, big D.**

**( Dumbledore walks on stage.)**

**DUMBLEDORE: In case you're wondering the D stands for my wiener.**

"DUDE WHY?" Katie Bell screamed, trying to cover her whole face with her hands.

"NASTY, ALBUS!" Snape yelled, covering his ears with his hands and looking at the floor.

"THERE ARE CHILDREN AND MENTALLY DISTURBED ADULTS IN THE ROOM!" Draco yelled, yanking Scorpius on to his lap and covering his ears.

Dumbledore meanwhile was slowly turning red in embarrasment...

**UMBRIDGE: Oh Dumbledore you sent me the snapdragons didn't you!**

**DUMBLEDORE: Oh yeah.**

"Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew..." Alicia Spinnett brough her knees to her chest and rocked back in forth, sucking her thumb. Katie and Angelina both patted her on the back sympathetically.

**UMBRIDGE: That so sweet!**

"But i'm gay!" Dumbledore suddenly yelled. And I believe that a O.O face would be a good one to make right now. Harry and Ron both mimed throwing up into their hands. Hermione and Ginny were also slowly turning green.

**DUMBLEDORE: Well I am the headmaster and it is my job to make all the faculty feel at home.**

"Just at home?" George said with a wink. Katie drew her wand and pointed it at the Weasley twin. Before anybody knew what was happening, George was dressed top to bottom in an Cupid costume, bow and arrow and all. Everybody looked at him for a second before they started rolling around as if they had all been hit with the tickling charm. Even Snape couldn't resist the burst of hysterical laughter that slipped from his lips. All the teachers (Including a certain potions master and transfiguration professor) were clutching their sides in mirth. Professor Flitwick fell of the back of the sofa and had to be halled back up by a teary eyed Madam Pomfrey.

" 'S NOT FUNNY!" George yelled, whacking Fred in the stomach as he was litteraly gasping for breath. George rounded on Katie who was covering her face with her long black hair to hide her completely red face. In all honesty, she had not meant to do that at all. She had actually intended for a smurf costume... But nobody needed to know that. "I AM SO GETTING YOU BACK LATER!"

"Good luck mate!" Katie said back, shaking her shoulders in pretend laugher. After teen Hermione had managed to stand up again, she shakily clicked the mouse again.

**So what do you say, Umbridge? How about we hop on the good foot, head down to the three broomsticks,and I will treat you the traditional welcome Hogwarts body shot.**

"BLEURGH!" Tonks mimed throwing up.

**( Umbridge gasps) Oh Dumbledore!**

"Bad images..." Harry hissed.

**Do you really do body shots on all the new teachers?**

"REALLY bad images!" Harry moaned. Hermione whacked his arm. "Ow! Bloody hell woman!"

"Harry, don't speak to your superiers like that." Ginny said with a sly grin. Hermione grinned, as did all the other females in the room. Ginny even got a very rare smile from Professor McGonagall.

**DUMBLEDORE: Only the handsome ones**

"Bleurgh..." Little Harry may only be six years old, but he wasn't stupid.*

"You really shouldn't watch the frottings of a Gay headmaster and scary man-woman, Harry." Sirius said, wanting desperatley to be able to look away from the screen.

**UMBRIDGE: Dumbledore! You're making me blush!**

Everybody was now trying to not look akward.

**DUMBLEDORE:**

**I bet**  
><strong>you're the one who gets<strong>  
><strong>all of the boys to buy you things.<strong>

"Yeah, a collar." Ron grumbled into his hands.

**UMBRIDGE:**

**I'm sure**  
><strong>that you get all the girls<strong>  
><strong>to beg you for their wedding rings<strong>

"Feeling sick, feeling sick, feeling oh so very sick..." Teen Hermione groaned, leaning into teen Ron slightly.

**DUMBLEDORE:**

**I like your twisted humor!**

**UMBRIDGE:**

**I like your mystic rumors!**

People slowly turned green...

**DUMBLEDORE & UMBRIDGE:**  
><strong>I'd say we can assume we're<strong>  
><strong>gonna get along!<strong>

**UMBRIDGE:**

**You're not**  
><strong>like average Joes,<strong>  
><strong>or Jims or Tims or Johns.<strong>

People were green now...

**DUMBLEDORE:**

**… And I'd wager**  
><strong>that you'd never run from danger<strong>  
><strong>with those muscles made of bronze!<strong>

**I can safely shout**  
><strong>without a doubt<strong>  
><strong>that it won't take very long…<strong>

**DUMBLEDORE & UMBRIDGE:**  
><strong>… Before we're getting–<strong>  
><strong>–and not regretting–<strong>  
><strong>ever setting on gettin' along!<strong>

**[DANCE BREAK]**

**On you can find - The ****Largest community of social networking with text-script-video blogging service.**

"What?" Draco cocked his head to the side.

**DUMBLEDORE:**

**You are a beautiful sample!**  
><strong>For example,<strong>  
><strong>my gosh– you're so strong!<strong>

**What's-a matter with me?**

"YOU'RE BEWITCHED BY THE MAN-WHORE!" Snape yelled, ignoring the funny looks he got.

**UMBRIDGE:**

**Now you're just flattering me!**

**DUMBLEDORE & UMBRIDGE:**  
><strong>… Oh, how we're both just gettin' along!<strong>

**UMBRIDGE:**

**I've never felt this way before…**

**DUMBLEDORE:**

**[spoken] "Felt how?"**

**UMBRIDGE:**

**[spoken] "Um, intimidated…"**

**… You have such prominence and poise.**

**DUMBLEDORE:**

**[spoken] "Oh, that ol' thing–"**

**… Baby, it's just me, Dumbledore.**

**So just try to relax,**  
><strong>face the facts:<strong>  
><strong>You feel just like one of the boys!<strong>

"Well, you NEVER wanna say that to a girl." Kingsley said, remebering a past experience during his sixth year.

**UMBRIDGE:**

**[spoken] "One of the boys? I do?"**

**DUMBLEDORE:**

**[spoken] "You sure do baby!"**

**UMBRIDGE:**

**Yes sir,**  
><strong>you're the one professor<strong>  
><strong>that'd I'd want detention from!<strong>

Ron promptly stood up, deposited Rose on Hermione's lap, exited the room, threw up, then re-entered, taking Rose and sitting down like nothing had happened.

**DUMBLEDORE:**

**Umbridge-**  
><strong>you're the handsome wizard<strong>  
><strong>That'd I'd want an extension from!<strong>

**UMBRIDGE:**

**[spoken] "… And I'd give it to you!"**

"NOW THAT'S JUST UNCALLED FOR!" Tonks yelled, fully intending to wash her eyes and ears out later.

**DUMBLEDORE:**

**I'll get the door!**

**UMBRIDGE:**

**You'll get much more!**

**DUMBLEDORE & UMBRIDGE:**  
><strong>Either way we can't go wrong…<strong>

**With how shamelessly**  
><strong>and how famously<strong>  
><strong>we're both just getting' along…<strong>

**We'll be get, get, gettin',**  
><strong>get, get, gettin',<strong>  
><strong>gettin' along!<strong>

"Can we please have a break so I can wash my brain out?" Katie asked.

"Yes Miss Bell," Snape said. "And I call the bathroom first." He stood up and sprinted to the bathroom, closely followed by everybody else.

* * *

><p>* - Seriously, my Godson is almost three years old, and he speaks better than I did at that age. And he can count to twenty, and knows the Alphabet... backwards... Oh crap my Godson is smarter than me! :O<p>

SO HAI!

How've you beeeen? I updated, so you can't hurt me anymore! And i'm actually greatful! I've only had like three flames complaining about the Sirius and Remus bonding time with Older Harry scenes. But, MEH! Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. And what can I say? I enjoy deh fluff!


	13. Hermononucleosos

Once everybody had stopped throwing up...

**(Cho sitting on Neville's back)**

"I'm not sure your wife would be all to pleased with that, Nev." Harry said, shooting Neville a look.

"I get married in the future?" Neville asked with wide eyes. Ron nodded.

"And she's in this room right now!" He said.

Neville spun around, looking for somebody blushing. Only Hannah seemed to turn slightly pink... but Hannah would never like him... would she?

**Seamus: So.. you guys ever hear the one about Sirius Black and Flitwick's little brother? **

"I don't have a little brother..." Flitwick said slowly.

"I am not liking where this is going..." Sirius hissed.

**So, Flitwick's little brother is walking down the streets of London, and Sirius Black, he's in this storm drain, dressed as a clown.**

"Drain... clown...?" Sirius rubbed his cheek in confusion. Little Harry was giggling at the thought of Sirius in a clown suit.

"Pranking ideas, eh Padfoot?" Remus nudged Sirius in the ribs. Sirius's eyes widened.

**And he's like, "Yo! Hey, Flitwick's little brother! Down here in this storm drain! It's me, a clown!"**

A few students muffled their laughs with their sleeves.

**And Flitwick's little brother's like, "Yeah chap? Whatchu want?" and Sirius Black is like, "Oh! Flitwick's little brother! You gotta get down this storm drain with me cause you're missing out! We've got a carnival down here! We've got loads of cotton candy, and balloons!"**

"What's a carnival?" Seamus asked.

"Muggle thingy." Hermione said.

**And the kid practically flips! He goes, "I gotta get down there!" So, he reaches down his arm, right? But Sirius Black, he grows these mad teeth, AND HE BITES THE KID'S HEAD OFF!**

James, Rose, Scorpius and Little Harry all clung to the nearest adults, as the rest of the room tired very hard not to laugh.

**(Lavender Brown starts crying, Ron rubs her shoulder)**

**Seamus: And two days later, that kid died...**

"What is he, a dungbeetle?" Cho said.

"Huh?" Colin asked.

"Dungbeetles can go for two days without their heads before dying." Cho explaned.

"Oh..." Colin said, wondering how that was even possible.

**Dean: Man, that is the biggest piece of bullshit that I've ever heard!**

"Should the children really be watching this?" Mrs Weasley asked, sparing a side glance at Dean.

"We have hear' worse f'om unca Won!" James told her.

"RONALD WEASLEY!" Ginny and Hermione yelled in unison. Ron gulped.

"If you use bad language around my son again Ron..." Suprisingly Harry snarled.

"Yes sir." Ron gulped, making a few people snicker.

**Cho Chang: Well, I think that's pretty scary but have y'all ever heard of.. the Shrieking Shack?**

"Yeah." Sirius poked Remus in the ribs, making him squeak and jump away. Sirius smirked at him.

**Ron: The Shrieking Shack? My brother Fred says it's, uh.. (gulps) haunted.**

"It is." Sirius said. "The ghost of Remus's vir-"

"AHEM." Remus cleared this throat loudly.

**Cho: That's right. The most haunted place in all of Great Britain. And it's right over (points at audience) yonder! (turns around and points at the backdrop)**

"Giggle." George said.

"What?" Katie said.

"Nothing Kitty." George smirked.

"Oh shut up." Katie blushed.

**Dean: Aw man I hear they got monsters up in there!**

**Seamus: Yeah? Oliver Wood lost a Quaffle in there once. He went in to get it, AND HE NEVER CAME OUT!**

"'m telling Oliver that when I see him at christmas." Angelina said. Katie and Alicia nodded their heads in agreeent.

**(Lavender starts crying again, Ron rubs her shoulder)**

**Cho: Why don't we go check it out?**

**Seamus: Are you nuts? No! **

**Cho: (playing with Seamus's tie) Come on, y'all are Gryffindors! Where's your sense of Halloween adventure?**

Seamus made a face. Cho coughed and blushed a deep red.

**Ron: I got a right mind to stay outta that place on Halloween!**

**Cho: Okay, how's about this, I will give a big fat kiss to whoever's brave enough to go up there and ring the doorbell. Anyone?**

**Hermione: (comes from behind pillar) I'll do it!**

"Do you want Cho to kiss you, Hermione?" Luna said. Hermione and Cho both looked at each other, horrified at the thought.

"NO!" They both yelled at the same time. "I mean -" They said in unison again. "No offence Cho/Hermione -"

"Both of you shut up!" George moaned.

**Ron: Herman!**

**Hermione: I'm not afraid of the Shrieking Shack! Everything I've ever read tells me those urban legends are just old wives tales.**

**Cho: Yeah but see here's the thing, I'm not kissing you Herman!**

Snape laughed. Everybody turned to look at him weirdly.

"What?"

**Hermione: I don't want a kiss from you, Cho. I want something better. **

**Seamus: Better than a kiss from Cho chang?**

"What's better than a kiss from Cho?" Harry asked.

"Sex from your wife which you will _not _be getting tonight." Ginny hissed in his ear.

"Pooey." Harry pouted, making Ginny smack him on the arm.

**Hermione: I want you to carry my books for the rest of the semester!**

"DUN DUN DUUUUN." Fred said dramatically.

"Oh do shut up." Teen Hermione huffed.

**Everyone: ooooh!**

**Cho: Okay, well, if we are raising the stakes, then ringing the bell just won't do. You have to go in there and DRAW us a picture of the monster!**

**Hermione: What? But, you know that I can't draw! **

"It's true, you know." Ron said. Hermione jabbed him in the cheek.

"You're getting none."

"Frick!" Ron hissed into his hands.

**... without a pad of paper!**

**Neville: Well it just so happens I have a sketch pad right here! (takes one out)**

"Neville you are such a good little boy." Dumbledore said.

"O.o"

"I'm serious!"

**Hermione: Well this is useless without a pencil.**

**Neville: (takes a quill out from his sleeve) Well, you're lucky I came so prepared.**

**Hermione: Well do I get a flash light or something?**

**Cho: (takes one out) Lumos!**

"No! Aunt 'mione will get eated by a werewolf!" James covered his mouth.

**Seamus: Oh no! She could shine it up through the back of the paper and trace it!**

**Cho: No tracin' Herman, I'll be able to tell!**

"How?" Katie asked. Cho shrugged.

**Hermione: All right! Well... here I go!**

**Ron: Uh, Hermananin, Hermanininin, Hermananoid! (runs over to Hermione) Um, you don't have to do this, what's it gonna prove?**

"Hey Ron." Harry stage whispered. He gained the attention of most of the room.

"What?" Ron said back.

"I've heard you use those names when you're banging Hermione!" Everybody turned a deep shade of green.

"Excuse me a moment." Hermione dragged Harry from the room. Half a minute they teturned, Harry sporting a red hand print on his cheek.

**Hermione: That maybe somebody in this school cares if I live or die!**

**Cho: I wouldn't count on it..**

"That's horrible..." Luna muttered.

"I'm sorry Hermione," Cho said to teen Hermione. "I really hope you know that you're my friend and I care about you."

"Of course I do Cho, I care about you to. Your my friend." Hermione hugged Cho, making the teenagers smile at them.

**(Hermione runs off stage and there's a loud wolf howl) **

**Seamus: BLOODY SHIT! WHAT IS THAT? **

**Dean: Let's get outta here! (Dean, Seamus, Cho, Lavender and Neville run off stage, Harry enters with a backpack)**

**Harry: Woah, woah, guys, what's goin on, what's goin on?**

**Ron: Woah well, Herman went into the Shrieking Shack and the monster that lives in there is pissed!**

"I expect Remus would be pissed..." Sirius said to himself.

**Harry: Well we gotta go save her!**

**Ron: But.. Harry, she's not even our friend!**

**Harry: Ron! Come on man! (both run off stage)**

**(Hermione walks on with a flashlight in her mouth, sketching on paper; the stage is dark, harry and ron enter from the right with flashlights)**

**Harry: Uhh.. Heerrmaaaaiiiinee... **

**Ron: Hermonno...**

**Harry: Hermama..**

**Ron: Hermoingo.. Hermoingo.. boingoboingo..**

Both Hermione's glared at each Ron in turn.

**Harry: Hmma..**

**Ron: Hermananin?**

**Harry: Hermonno..**

**Ron: Hermononucleousis.. **

"What's that, a foot rash?" Fred asked.

**(Both slowly turn and their lights turn on Hermione)**

**Both: AHHHH!**

**Hermione: AHHHHHH!**

**Harry: Oh, it's just Herman..**

**Ron: Herman, you're the monster?**

Hermione punched Ron in the shoulder.

**(loud growling noise, everyone screams and Hermione runs to Harry and Ron)**

**Harry: Quick, we gotta get outta here, there's another monster and this one's probably not as friendly! **

**Hermione: Oh, good idea, let's go! Hey.. what's this? Ohh.. it's Lupin's broach! But why is it in the Shrieking Shack?**

"Jee I wonder." Remus rolled his eyes.

"Maybe he and Stuby were having sex again." Luna said dreamily. Remus and Sirius exchanged horrified looks, while everybody else was rolling on the floor laughing. All apart from Luna.

She was deadly serious.

**Harry: Yeah, especially since he told me to stay out of here. **

**(Werewolf puppet enters from left)**

**Werewolf Lupin: RAWWWRRR!**

**Ron: H-harry..! It's a.. a.. **

**Everyone: A VAMPIRE! AAHHHHHH!**

"But... he's not sparkling." Colin said with a confused look.

"Vampire's don't sparke, Colin. Only fairies to that." Harry rolled her eyes.

**Hermione: Harry, what do we do?**

**Harry: I have my wand in my bag! (pulls Crookshanks out of bag) AHHH!**

**Hermione: AHHHHH! Crookshanks!**

"Hermione I hate your cat."

"Yeah, you said that during the summer, Fred."

**(Harry waving Crookshanks in front of werewolf)**

**Harry- Hey boy, you like this? You like this? Go get it! (throws Crookshanks)**

"Nooo! Not kitteh!" Rose gasped, engrosed in the play purely beause her mother was in it.

**(werewolf chases him off stage) **

**Hermione: No, Crookshanks! **

**Ron: Let's go, while it's distracted!**

Hermione hastily clicked the next clip to play.

* * *

><p><strong>Sorry about the however bigger gap it was between now and the last update! I was so engrossed in HP Roleplaying... and that jobe about Twilight, sorry if it offended you if your a 'Fanpire'. Just my opinion. Reviews are added to my scrapbook, flames used to kill the sparkly vampires! (I'm kidding, I'm kidding...)<strong>

**... I'm not.**


	14. Shes not cool like Snape!

***Dodges shoes* HEY! NO HEELS!**

***Looks guility at feet* I'm sorry I didn't update in ages... My brother just went in for an operation and we've all been really worried... he's fine though. :) So...**

**READ ON PEEPS!**

**P.s. We disected a lung today in science and I stuck my finger down a vain... just thought i'd share.**

* * *

><p><strong>Harry: Lets go to the woods.<strong>

**Ron: Whoa whoa whoa! That's the forbidden forest.**

"That never stopped you before." Snape mumbled.

"Of course it didn't. He's the son of James Potter and the Godson of Sirius Black, and now the adopted nephew of Remus Lupin." McGonagall moaned.

"Hogwarts is so screwed." Flitwick groaned.

**All sort of creepy creatures live there.**

"No kidding..." Teen Ron said, remembering Aragog. Sirius gave him a sharp look, and Harry facepalmed.

"When did you go into the forest?" Remus said sharply. Older Harry looked frantic, gesturing wildly for Ron to shut up.

"Well..." Ron started. Harry put a finger to his throat and drew it across, basically saying Ron was about to sign his own death contract. "We only heard about it... from ... Neville!" Neville jumped and looked wildly at Ron.

"Now you've dragged me into this?" He shrieked in a very un-manly way.

"Shut up and play along!" Teen Ron hissed at him. Neville gulped.

"Yes! I was in there... a few years ago... taking a... chicken... back to the ... zoo?" Neville said slowly, his voice going up in octave. "But the orangutan said 'No you can't get that back without a reciept.'"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Orangutan's tend to say that." Luna informed them. Sirius stared at them.

**Harry: Look- It's either here or the shrieking shack. So let's go!**

**Ron: I can't believe it. We're going from the scariest place in the world to the scariest place in the world.**

"Actually that would be from Filch's office to Umbridge's bedroom..." Harry said with a thoughtful look.

"EW!"

"NASTY!"

"GROSS, HARRY!

**Harry: Let's take cover behind this fallen tree**

**( three lays on stomach)**

"Oh the joy of panto..."

**Ron: You alright Herman?**

**Hermione: Yeah I'm alright- Are you alright Ron?**

**Ron: I will be—after a redvine.**

"Redvines make EVERYTHING better!" Harry told Albus, who was trying to pick Ron's nose.

**Harry: Listen, Hermio...**

**Hermione: What?**

**Harry: Why did you go in the shrieking shack if you knew there was a monster in there? Aren't you the one that's always telling us not to- go out and do dangerous stuff and have any kind of... **

**Hermione: Fun?**

"Fun good!" James said with a stern face.

**Harry: Yeah! Oh yes.**

Rose jabbed Harry's ankle. "No be mean to mah mumma!"

"Sorry Miss Weasley." Harry said with a fake snivel.

**Hermione: You know I just thought that if for once I did something crazy then maybe you guys would like me.**

"WE LOVE YOU HERMAN!" Ron and Harry both jumped on Hermione and snuggled her.

"My boys. My strange, strange boys." She grinned and patted their heads.

**Ron: Yeah? Well you thought wrong.**

Hermione thumped Ron on the top of the head.

"Bloody hell, woman!"

**Harry: Okay. No, no. Listen! Hermione. . .**

**Hermione: You-you said my name right!**

**Harry: Just now? Did I, Hermin- monster. . . **

THWACK!

"OWIE!" Harry looked at Sirius. "She smacked me Sirius!"

"I know, I saw." Harry pouted as Sirius sniggered.

**Hermione: Yeah. That's close enough**

**Harry: Listen- you don't need to pretend to be someone your not just to get people to like you. I mean just look at me.**

**Hermione: Yeah but your Harry Potter!**

**Harry: Yeah. . .yes. But maybe in the wizarding world that's true. But in the muggle world. . . I'm just a . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I'm something called a douchebag. **

"It's true..." Little Harry sniffled.

"What is a douchebag?" Cho asked. Hermione leant over and whispered in her ear. She lushed a deep red.

"Harry, you are not a douchebag." Fred said. George nodded furiously and poked little Harry in the cheek.

"Whoever called you that is what we in the wizarding world call an arseface." Sirius said, rubbing a thumb between Harry's shoulder blades.

"Sirius Black!" Mrs Weasley scolded.

"What? It's true!" Sirius raised his hands in defence of himself.

**Hermione: A what?**

**Harry: A douchebag. Hermin. I play guitar when everybody is supposed to hang out. And- I make weird covers of Disney songs, who does that? **

"Disney?" Ron said curiously.

"A muggle thing... it's become really shit in our time..." Harry rubbed the back of his head.

**See? Muggles hate that shit. To them I'm just. . . . .I'm just a douchebag. I'm like- I don't know. I'm like. . . Justin McCarthy. I'm like Justin McCarthy. I'm Justin McCarthy's douche! **

"That's disgusting..." Drao wrinkled his nose. Harry shoved him.

**Ron: I got a confession to make too.( Stands up) Back home- around my brothers, I'm kind of a douchebag too. **

Ron's brothers stared at him.

"Please guys, I don't think like that anymore." Teen Ron said with a blush.

"We're proud of you Ron." Bill said quietly. "So proud of you."

Mrs Weasley couldn't help but tear up a bit.

**Like Shia LaBooth. The prince douche. ( bites red vine)**

**Harry: But hey. That's okay. Because at Hogwarts it's cool to be who you are. It's cool to be unique. So hey maybe your not pretty. . . like Cho Chang.**

Cho rolled her eyes and Ginny growled.

**Maybe not as fun as Ron.**

"HELL YUS!"

**Or cool like Snape. **

"Er... thank you?" Snape said, turning a bit red.

"Any time Severus." Harry said happily.

**But you know what? You are smart, like Hermione.**

"N'awwww..." Remus cooed. Everyone turned to look at him. He just shrugged and pulled out a 'Harmony' badge.

**And I for one would like to have a friend who would do my ancient runes essays. **

"I'm hurt Harry. Is that all you use me for?" Hermione put a a hand to her chest and gasped with fake hurt.

"Not sure about that, but I know that's not all Ron uses you for." Harry said with a wink. Hermione and Ron both lushed red as everyone else fell over laughing.

**Hermione: You mean it?**

**Harry: Yep cause's it's due tomorrow.**

"Oh damn... I hope time's frozen." Ron said. "I have a potions essay due in..."

**Hermione: Harry! Ron! Uh, come here!( Hugs them)**

**Ron: Oh my god! Your so soft.**

**Harry: Thanks!**

"That is just wrong on like... so many levels." Charlie said, looking a it green.

"Are you thinking of a threes-"

Fred was cut of by Katie slapping him.

**Hermione: So you guys really like me!**

**Harry: Ah well somethings in life you can't go through together without becoming friends afterwards namely one of them being taking on a 12 foot vampire.**

"I AM NOT A VAMPIRE!" Remus yelled.

"Think on the bright side, mate." Sirius said with a smirk. "At least you don't sparkle."

**( Wolf comes on stage) Arggggg!**

**All three: AHHHHH!**

**Ron: We're dead as **! We're dead! I regret nothing! **

**Hermione: I love you both!**

"WE LOVE YOU TOO HERMONONUCLEOSIS!"

"..."

**( Neighing)**

**( Firenze trots on.) **

The four adults from the future all pointed at the screen. "It's Firenze, our centaur friend!"

"What are they on and where can I get some?" Kingsley muttered to Moody, who chuckled gruffly.

**None shall harm Harry Potter. Back! Back, you cowardly thing! Run! You creature of the night and know that the woods belong to the centaurs and their kin! ( wolf runs off.) So not worry Harry Potter and co. The beast is gone! ( Three fall to their knees)**

"ARISE, SIR NIGHT!"

Everyone turned to stare at Dumbledore.

"What? A girl can't have some fun nowadays?" He scoffed.

**Harry: Who are you?**

**Firenze: Rise! Call me Firenze. It in centaur tounge means: friend**

**Hermione: Thank you—How did you. . .**

**Firenze: Know to save you? The leader of my tribe is a wise and powerful being. He has seen the future and has charged the centaurs with your protection, Harry. For you are destined for great things. ( Ron reaches out to touch hair) **

Hermione coughed something that sounded a lot like 'Beastality'.

**Hermione: I've heard that centaurs were close to extinct. But I never thought I'd get to see one in real life. **

**Firenze: It is true. Us centaurs are a dying breed. Due to a magical plague many moons ago, all females of our kind have perished. We have long searched for a human mate. But none have survived. **

**Harry: Survived what? Www what survived?**

**Firenze: Survived coitus. Harry.**

**Harry: What's coitus? **

**( Hermione whispers explaination in ear.) Harry; Oh, they died because of your giant horse gongs! ( Ron drops down and look under tail and gapes) **

"OH MY GOD RON YOU CAN'T JUST GO AROUND LOOKING AT HORSE BALLS. IT'S NOT POLITE!" Draco yelled.

**That's funny.**

**Firenze: Yeah It sounds like a funny problem. But it's actually not. **

"I feel you pain." Snape muffled a sob. Hagrid patted him on the back in understanding.

**( Ron stands up) Oh. I'm. .. I'm so sorry.( holds hand out and touches tail.) **

**Firenze: It's alright. Listen- we've got to get you kids back to Hogwarts castle. Harry unless the stars are mistaken you've got a quidditch game you must be well rested for. **

**Harry: Oh wow. Thanks Firenze, your so cool.**

**Firenze: I sure am.**

"Firenze is LEGEND!" Neville cried.

Everyone turned and stared.

"Well he is..." He mumbled in embarrasment.

**Well get on my back!( Holds on to Firenze) To Hogwarts!**

Just as Ron was about to demand the next clip, a bright light appeared in the middle of the room. Everyone stared in shock at who had landed at their feet. Sirius and Remus slowly stood, each of them clutching one of Harry's hands.

"James?"

* * *

><p><strong>SEE YOU SOOOOON! <strong>


	15. Can't get rid of Me

**No, I'm not dead.**

**It's been almost a year since I've updated this.**

**This is most shameful.**

**To be honest... After I published that last chapter, all inspiration just left me. **

**BUT, Lovely human public! I will return very soon. **

**Because you see.**

**INSPIRATION IS BACK!**

***Epic music***

**And so. Am. I.**


	16. Pokebattle of the Epicest

**OH YES. It feels good (Yet looking over past chapters, extremely awkward) to be writing on this story again. Though my time away from it has not been wasted! I am on the way to getting a novel published, and have written many other fics for you HP Fans/Merlin Fans/I'm in the Band fans to enjoy! Might even try a cross over soon! Now this chapter will only be a short one most likely, because I want to get it posted as soon as possible. Please read and enjoy, reviews are appritiated! **

**Now. Will you forgive me? No? What do I have to do to make you forgive me? V.V **

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><p>"What the hell is this!" Sirius spat, glaring at the time travellers. "Is this some kind of sick joke?"<p>

"Sirius, I can assure you-"

"What the-" Sirius let lose a stream of swear words much to naughty for little fanfiction readers to read. "Do you think this is going to do, eh?"

"Sirius, would you just listen to me-"

"Shut up, Ron! I don't want to hear it! Why on earth would you bring my _dead best friend _here!"

"SIRIUS ORION BLACK!" Everyone jumped at sudden explosion. Hermione stalked towards the man, red faced and fists curled. "Would you listen to what your Godson is trying to tell you!"

The woman planted a hard smack around the back of Sirius's head.

"Yowch!" Sirius jumped away and rubbed at his scalp. "Alright! But for Merlin's sake, this had better be good."

Harry took a slow and hesitant step forwards. "Sirius... I am shocked you think I would do such a thing as this. What am I to you, some sort of kaniving child who craves attention?"

Sirius looked slightly downcast. "No Harry, of course not-"

"Then believe me when I say, I have NOTHING to do with this!"

"Then tell me who did!"

"Excuse me." Came a horrifyingly familiar voice from the corner of the room. The whole room screamed (Snape's was suprisingly high pitched.)

"SHIT ON BAGELS," Charlie screamed, jumping back and hiding behind Flitwick. "IT'S MAMA UMBRIDGE!"

"Hem hem," Umbridge coughed once more. "Would somebody care to explain to me what is the meaning of this?"

"What a fucking liberty." Draco scowled, putting his hands on his hips in a very sassy way.

"Oh God quick, hide the children from the she-devil." Bill frantically began herding the children away from Umbridge and into the corner.

"I believe I asked a question." Umbridge smiled sweetly.

"Well, you see madam-" Hermione began.

"I want an answer from someone of more... cleaner blood, Granger." Umbridge scoffed.

The whole room tensed.

Ron and Harry turned red.

Ginny went pale.

Draco looked awkward.

Hermione raised an eyebrow.

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><p><em>The follwing scene was rated 'Batshit fucking scary' by movie critics, so we have subsituted it with a more friendly version.<em>

**A wild Umbridge appears.**

Hermione uses _EXPELLIARMUS._

_It's not very effective._

Umbridge uses _REDUCTO._

_It's not very effecive._

Hermione uses _PANTILLUNIUS POOPICUS._

Umbridge has been defeated.

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><p>"Everyone watch your step..." Ron grimaced, dragging the unconcious remains of the Pink Hulk from the room. "And someone get Harry's dad, will you?"<p>

Arthur bent down next to James. "Hmm... He's alive."

"Well how did he get here then?" Remus looked slightly suspicious. "If none of you brought him."

"I don't know," Harry scratched his chin. "It certainly is a mystery."

"_SCOOBY DOBBY DOO, WHERE ARE YOU?" _

"Someone shut Malfoy up." Mad-Eye growled, casting a withering look at the slightly high blonde.

"Draco- Draco, honey, calm yo tits." Harry patted Draco on the head and herded him too a chair. "You just sit here now."

"I FEEL OFFENDED." Draco yelled, looking at Harry with a pout. "I AM OFFICIALLY NOT TALKING TO ANYONE EVER AGAIN EVER."

"Good. maybe that will give us a minute peace." Sirius glared at Draco. He looked down at James. "Moony, help me get him into a bedroom."

"Use ours." Ginny offered.

So with the help of a pale faced Remus, Sirius managed to drag James into his Godson's and his Godson's wife's bedroom and plant him on the bed.

"Prehaps there will be time to talk to him soon." Dumbledore put a comforting hand on Sirius's shoulder. "He might awake at anytime. For now though, let us take our minds off of this matter and return o watching the play. I feel that little Harry is still slightly traumatised from the whole 'Mama Umbridge' incident and need a little TLC from his Godfather."

"Speaking of Umbridge," Remus spoke quietly. "When will she wake?"

"Well, after the extreme kick-ass skills Miss Granger- Pardon me, Mrs Weasley has produced, I should say... A few days." Dumbledore smiled warmly.

(He was trying to act normal, as during the fight, he had shamelessly streaked around the room while everyone was watching the fight. Nobody had noticed, and he didn't really intend them to.)

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><p><strong>Short, I know. Next chapter will have more James in it, the next scene in AVPS, and <strong>**Snape gets a wee bit horny. **


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